There are some leaders who stand out. They really stand out.

They work so hard.

They burn the midnight oil.

They are always there to pick up the slack.

They are always in the middle of the heavy lifting.

They are often nice. Respected. Accomplished.

They care.

They often run successful organizations. All signs point to everything working well.

Except….

They are stressed.

They don’t delegate because there is no one they trust.

They are feeling a bottleneck, an unyielding pressure, a ceiling: A very real limit to what they can just power through and make happen on their own.

Also…

Their family isn’t happy with how much they work and how unavailable they are.

Up and coming leaders are frustrated at the distrust and limits put on them.

Stakeholders are concerned that the organization might have hit its limit.

Their health is often suffering. Their doctors are telling them to take their foot off the gas.

But they don’t know how.

They aren’t happy.

Is this you?

Don’t Pity The Martyr. They Love The Work.

Classically, a martyr is willing to give their life for their faith, nation, beliefs or for others.

For that kind of person, martyrdom is an event. Not a habit.

I’m referring to someone who takes on the role of sacrifice or suffering not because it actually required but because it bolsters how they see themselves or how they want to see themselves.

It’s a way of being “good” or “needed.”

A synonym for the martyr is the “Rescuer” role described in the Karpman Triangle.

One of the key problems or challenges that the Martyr/Rescuer creates is that they always need someone who needs to be rescued.

They tend to view their employees as less able, or never genuinely empower them to be able, or intentionally surround themselves with people who aren’t able.

When a leader is a martyr, they will (usually unintentionally) act in ways to disempower others and keep them reliant on the leader.

Why Do People Become Martyrs?

There are many reasons for this. Often, they formulate in a leader’s upbringing.

It might be someone who struggles to accept, recognize or receive affection through healthy means of expression.

It might be someone struggling with a low sense of self-worth.

They may have experienced some kind of abuse, trauma or neglect while growing up which distorted their perspective of their own value.

All of that is understandable. Any of those stories can elicit empathy for the leader.

But leaders have empowered adults.

Their actions impact others. When those actions require others to be in a place of need or helplessness – they are now responsible for perpetuating an unhealthy dynamic.

A dynamic that ultimately doesn’t serve others: It causes frustration, generates blame, limits growth and refuses to offer opportunities.

It’s a dynamic that ultimately doesn’t serve the leader: I’ve watched many of these “martyr” leaders, usually genuinely nice people. People who are in many ways respectable. Yes, they struggle with stress, poor health, resentment, limited friendships, a lack of trust and an inability to truly rest.

I Actually Do Feel Bad For The Martyr.

I encounter many of these martyrs towards the end of their careers.

I almost always end up really liking them and respecting what they’ve accomplished in their lives.

They genuinely are nice, smart and accomplished.

But rarely happy.

And they don’t know how to let go.

How to Relate to A Martyr in Your Workplace

If you work for a martyr leader, you probably found yourself stuck in a complicated game of manipulation. It’s a manipulation that the martyr is responsible for but is likely not aware of.

What should you do to change the dynamic?

1. Take Responsibility: Many of us are attracted to martyrs because they do a lot for us. They remove our need to make decisions. They limit our liability. We don’t have to figure as much out. We don’t deal with possible failure or risk.

The first step to changing this dynamic is to step into your own responsibilities. Don’t ask for responsibility. Just start being responsible. Just start taking care of what is in your sphere of influence.

Stop allowing yourself to rely on the martyr. Step out of the game.

2. Acknowledge Their Challenges – But Don’t Offer Sympathy: If the martyr starts to discuss their challenges, when they attempt to elicit pity or sympathy, don’t offer it.

Don’t reverse roles and attempt to rescue them. Acknowledge them, acknowledge the facts of the situation but don’t move to a place of trying to resolve or address those issues.

Essentially, remove the emotional satisfaction they receive from suffering – either theirs or others.

This is rarely easy to do and may not feel natural. But it is an important part of changing an unhealthy relational dynamic.

3. Be Candid With How Their Actions Impact You And Others: Hold up a mirror to them. I’ve often found that framing these conversations in the following format helps:

When you (objectively describe the unwanted behavior) it has this impact (describe the consequence or feeling.)

4. Affirm The Person But Stay Firm On Boundaries: They are nice people. They are worthy of respect. Affirm that. But they don’t need to be martyrs.

You can’t change them. But you can make it difficult for them to be your personal martyr. Stay firm on your boundaries – the ones you create by taking care of your responsibilities and not feeding into desires/demands for pity.

What If I’m The Martyr?

What if you are reading this and you wonder… “Am I a martyr”?

If you identified with the description I wrote at the beginning of the article – the chances are high that you do play the martyr role.

The good news…you don’t have to. The better news? You will likely have better relationships and feel more significant in the lives of others – as you step away from needing to be a martyr.

What do you need to do?

1. Get Honest: The hardest part is getting real about the dynamic you are in and your role in creating or perpetuating it. It’s hard because you’ve learned to see weakness, need, lack of reliability, etc. in others.

It’s difficult to see strength, competency, willingness or ability. That will always be hard to see if your self-worth is tied to being needed, being the expert, being the problem solver or the fixer.

Get honest. You’ve accomplished a lot. But what you are doing is no longer serving yourself, or others, well.

2. Find a New Role: Martyrs often find or rise to positions of authority or being “over” others. They are problems solvers and fixers. They do take responsibility. So, they are given problems and responsibility.

Find a new role. If you can, step out or away from your current role. Step into a place of being surrounded by people who don’t need you. Aren’t dependent on you. Don’t rely on you. They just like you.

It may be that you can’t leave your job. But even in that position – reshape your role. Give away responsibilities and authority that you are persuaded only you can carry.

Outside of that position, take on a new role where you are a learner or just another peer or helper.

Yes, you do have a lot to offer. But can you take a break from being needed?

If you can’t – what might that mean?

3. Don’t Try This Alone – Get Help: Being a martyr is largely a practice of operating in the area of life where “we don’t know what we don’t know.” Martyr’s often don’t see that they are martyrs.

If you are a martyr, you need mirrors. In particular, you need mirrors who don’t report to you. Mirrors who don’t need you.

You need people who care about you – but care more about your growth than your current comfort.

These might be a group of peers who are willing to get pretty real with each other. This might be a coach or a counselor.

But don’t try to make this shift on your own. Martyrdom occurs in your blindspots.

4. Be Willing to Listen & To Try New Suggestions: I’ve found that martyrs can be expert deflectors, rationalizers or minimizers.

Don’t. You rob yourself of growth when someone tries to be a mirror to you and you refuse to take an honest look at what they are showing you.

A couple “rules of thumb” to become a better listener and tryer-of-new-suggestions:

• Say Thank You. Reflect. Then Act. It’s very easy to feel defensive right away. Get into the practice of not responding but listening, thanking the other person for what they’ve offered and then genuinely reflecting on it.

Then consider acting on what was offered.

• Try It On. Walk Around In It Before You Say It Doesn’t Fit. Try the advice. Embrace the reflection. You are right, not all advice is good advice. But being a martyr isn’t great either.

Learn to accept the input of others and give it a chance to work. If it doesn’t fit, it doesn’t fit. But don’t give in to the impulse to reactively deflect it.

Wrapping Up This Martyr Talk

It’s not easy to unlearn being a martyr. But it doesn’t have to be that hard either. I’ve watched leaders make significant shifts in these kinds of mindsets and behaviors within the space of a year.

Often, they start to see those changes within three to six months. So, yes, there are habits. There might be old “stuff” back in there. But just like most seemingly tough jobs – it just takes “doing” to get them done.

You can do it.

Take good care,

Christian

Would You Like To Experience Real and Noticeable Change and Growth in Your Leadership?

Yes! I’m tired of the stress and constant pressure. I want to see a change in the results I get. Actually, I’d like to experience a change in how I lead.

Schedule a complimentary session to explore:

• What you’d really like to accomplish in your leadership and what is holding you back.
• How you’ll know that you are making genuine, measurable progress and growth.
• What specific change, results or benefits you can expect from working together with me.

Contact me to learn more: christian@vantageconsulting.org or 907 522-7200.