I received a lot of feedback regarding a recent article called “Six Anchors that Are Holding You Back.”  The six anchors that I described are: Fear, Resentment, Unforgiveness, Perfectionism, Low Self-Image and Lack of Trust. People wanted to know how to “cut the lines” to those anchors.

I meet people all of the time who are unhappy with where they are right now. Maybe they aren’t happy in their marriage, they don’t feel like there is a future in their job, they are frustrated with how their team is performing, they feel lonely, they aren’t healthy, whatever. They all have one or more of the anchors described above holding them back.

There are a few who experience breakthrough and turnaround. Most never do. As I thought about my own life and their lives, I realized there were a few similarities that made the difference in those who changed. We recognized that:

• Change was needed.
• “Change” meant letting go of things that we liked, valued and were comfortable with.
• We needed help. We couldn’t do it on our own.
• We were willing to get help.
• We were willing to make changes so that change could happen.

Unforgiveness? I needed to finally accept that being angry and bitter was something that needed to change. I had to be willing to let go of a sense of justice, or revenge or a sense that this isn’t fair. I usually needed help from others. I had to reach out and ask for help. I had to follow through on the help that was given.

Low Self-Image? Same as above.

Here’s the deal. Regardless of the issue: You’ll have to ask yourself (and answer) a question that I recently heard Marshall Goldsmith ask, “Am I willing, at this time, to make the investment required to make a positive difference on this topic?”

If you aren’t, then you need to learn to accept your anchor.

If you are, then you’ll experience change.

The process for cutting most of these lines is all about getting help and doing the “next right thing.” It’s a little like driving at 60mph down an unknown dark road. Driving with someone who knows the road sure helps. But even so, your headlights only illuminate the next 10 or 20 yards. Really just the next few seconds of travel. You can’t see the entire road – but you keep driving in the light of what you can see.

But you are a high achieving, smart, capable person who may not want to get help. So here is where to start:

Cutting Anchor Lines (Self Help Version)

I broke an anchor rope on a boat once. We were in a fast moving river. There was ice on the water. That anchor (which I actually wanted to keep!) was gone, gone, gone. Our internal anchors are different. These anchor lines sometimes grow back. Don’t worry about that. If you notice one has grown back or you’ve developed a new one – just cut it or let it go.

That’s life. Personal maintenance is just part of the deal.

Daily Practices: My Regular Line Cutter

One thing that has created and sustained change for me was instituting my Daily Practices. I’ve written about this elsewhere and so this will be a quick overview. Every day I try to quickly address the following areas that make up who I am emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, physically and socially. This doesn’t take a lot of time. Cumulatively, it has tremendous impact. Here is what I do:

• Meditate/Contemplative Prayer: Primarily, what I mean is sitting still and quiet for at least 5 minutes. I usually clock around 15. The purpose is to separate yourself from our ADHD culture and just be still, develop awareness of what is going on within ourselves and, if you choose, to connect to God.
• Gratitudes: I journal three things that I’m grateful for that day. Gratefulness is, possibly, the most transformative emotion and practice. It literally rewires our brains by helping us identify the value in others, our experiences and the world around us. Spiritually, it shifts us to a place where we can receive and recognize that we aren’t at the center of everything.
• Wins:
  • Yesterday’s: I identify 2 or 3 things that I accomplished, succeeded at or did well yesterday. Even on bad days it helps me reflect back and find the good that was accomplished. This interrupts failure-based or fear-based thinking.
  • Today’s: I identify 2 things that I will accomplish today. Usually, one personal and one professional. This creates my priorities for the day. No more. This helps me focus and dramatically improves productivity. If I get those done, I add another “Win” to pursue if I want.
• Appreciation: I identify one person and one specific thing about that person to appreciate. Then I send them a quick e-mail or text (or tell them in person.) This builds me socially by helping me identify and communicate the value of others. It shifts my perspective from me to them. Plus, they like it and it feels kind of good.
• Physical activity: I either work out or take a walk. Even something as simple as 5 min daily walk, outside, can impact our levels of stress. Regular physical activity has numerous benefits but it also reminds us that our actions have consequences. We do something and we feel different, almost immediately.

I do the first 5 practices in the morning. It takes me, maybe, 20 minutes. I take a walk at lunch or work out after work.

These practices will change the way you think, relate and see the world. They are powerful. They’ve been demonstrated to physically reshape our brains. Give it 21 consecutive days and let me know if you don’t experience a difference.

Anchor Cutting (Fast Track Versions)

Nearly all of my fast growth has come from intentional relationships with others. I just had to be willing to admit that I needed help. In a lot of areas of my life. Sometimes again and again. It isn’t always fun. Often times it was very humbling.

But in becoming tired enough of being where I was and who I was – I became willing to make the investment to get to some place different. Be someone different. I needed, and still need, help for that. So do you. Here is what I look for:

Find People Who Have It: There are no perfect people out there. The people I have learned the most from, often have significant weaknesses in their lives. However, in the area that I need to grow in, they “have it.” If I’m trying to learn about forgiveness or letting go of resentment – I look for people who actively build healthy, thriving relationships. I look for people who invest heavily in family relationship, who work through conflict at work, who aren’t afraid of difficult conversations because they intend to come out with relationship intact.

Before I was married, I was very stressed about choosing the “right” one, building the “right” marriage, getting it all “right.” At the time, Marta, (now my wife) worked with me. I was presenting a day-long workshop. In the workshop, I saw a grey haired couple who were snuggling together the entire day. They seemed really happy with each other. Weird. That was not something I have seen much of. After the workshop, I introduced myself and said I wanted whatever it was they had. Could Marta and I spend time with them?

Long story short: They said yes. We had dinner together a couple times a month for a few months. Their story was very earthy, real, more messy and less romantic then what I expected. They had worked to build what they had. They helped us out tremendously. I give them enormous credit for helping me get over my stuff sufficiently to finally propose and marry my amazing wife.

They advised me to cut anchors I did not want to cut. They challenged me deeply. I had to decide that I wanted what they had more than what I had. I had to start to trust them and change.

I’ve stopped paying a lot of attention to what people say. People talk a lot. It is a lot easier to write this article than to live it. I look for evidence in their lives that they have what I need to grow in. I like my dentists to have good teeth. I like my doctors to be fit and athletic. I like my friends to be people who are building their businesses and marriages and relationships intentionally and successfully.

There’s nothing really new here, if you read my newsletters. The question is always: Will you?

You can do it. The grass is actually greener on the other side of working through all of this. (Because it has been so well fertilized!) You will become a much more effective leader. You’ll create fewer problems for yourself. You’ll have fewer fires to put out. You’ll have more time and energy to focus on what is important. Actually, you’ll be able to do a better job of recognizing what is important.

It’s worth it. Cut your anchors. Find people who will help you. Make the changes. Let go.