“Are you able to do this?” The CEO was sitting across from me in an overstuffed chair in a remote lodge that served as the location for a 3-day retreat.

For reasons I didn’t understand, I felt intimidated by her. Her question didn’t help. I answered, “Yes” with as much poise as I could muster. She wasn’t chatty. My mind went blank. The conversation ended quickly and uncomfortably.

That was years ago when I was just starting out as a consultant. I had worked, very effectively, within this organization throughout the previous year. I had helped enact wide-scale change quickly and efficiently. I was respected by senior management and staff. I had been successful in helping them navigate several challenging issues and transitions.

My new assignment was to work directly with the CEO and board.

By the end of the following morning, the retreat was a complete mess. I had been removed from my position as the facilitator. I felt confused, embarrassed, and unsure of what had happened. At a lodge in the middle of nowhere, I just had to ride it out, quietly licking my wounds and desperately trying to figure out how to salvage my dignity.

What happened?

In my own defense, there were errors in planning and leadership. However, as a facilitator, it is my role to handle, redirect, or manage the client’s errors. As a consultant/ facilitator/temporary leader for the group – I had made the critical error:

My Poor Self-Image was feeding a Lack of Confidence –In terms of skill, I knew how to do the work we needed to do. It wasn’t difficult, and I had done it many times. The problem was: I didn’t see myself as a partner or peer of the CEO and board. I saw myself as ‘small’; not sure I measured up. I wanted them to like me. I needed their respect. Because of this, I wasn’t able to serve them effectively.

Self-confidence flows from a healthy self-image. For example, if I see myself as a loved, accepted child of God, a husband appreciated and respected by his wife, a father enjoyed by his kids, and someone who has value and brings value – I’m self-confident and don’t spend as much time stressing about things.

Symptoms of Poor Self-Image:

1. Lack of trust creates lack of trust: My lack of self-trust ‘seeped’ out of me. I couldn’t control that. No one can. Others picked up on it and agreed with me saying, “We’re not sure you can pull this off. And we’re not sure we’ll like you, either.”
2. I was afraid to hold my ground: I agreed to deliver a particular message to the board for the CEO. I was asked to use a particular approach and language. I knew it was the wrong approach and wouldn’t produce a helpful result. I gently suggested this; however, the CEO insisted and I acquiesced. It blew up. I didn’t effectively serve her, or the organization, by giving in to her. I should have held my ground.

So, that’s it. That’s all it took. Two little things stripped me of my effectiveness because of my lack of self-confidence brought on by an unhealthy self-image.

This is a problem for leaders. Our ability to help the people we lead rise above, open new horizons and conquer large giants relies on our ability to believe those things are possible; and, believe that we can help make them happen.

Our fear, doubt, insecurity, and indecision all work together to build ‘ceilings’ for success; not just for ourselves, but also for those we lead.

What is a Positive or Healthy Self-Image?

Dr. Alan Weiss suggests that a positive or healthy self-image is made up of three primary ingredients:

A Healthy Sense of Self:

• Being comfortable with who you are
• Believing that you are valuable
• Understanding how you bring value to others

Perspective or Proportion in Your Responses:

• Not overreacting or under-reacting
• Handling disappointments and frustrations well
• Handling successes and opportunities well
• Receiving praise without being awkward
• Not catastrophizing disappointments or setbacks
• Experiencing conflict without calling the entire relationship into question

 Resilience:

• The ability to bounce back from failure, disappointment and set back

 Signs of Healthy & Unhealthy Self-Image in Leaders

As you read through the lists below – check the signs you think might be patterns or reoccurring behaviors in your life and leadership.

Healthy Self-Image

Confident Behaviors

• Decisions come easily
• Decisions aren’t second-guessed
• Decisions can be changed as new or better information comes available
• Difficult conversations are pursued gracefully
• Information is shared – there is transparency
• Feedback from others is welcomed and considered. There isn’t an automatic sense of defensiveness or need to appease.
• Speaks positively of others. Protects others’ weaknesses
• Mistakes are primarily related to as part of the learning process and coaching opportunities.
• Works through relational issues – doesn’t hold grudges.
• Accepts what can’t be controlled

Unhealthy Self-Image

Aggressive Behaviors

• Controlling
• Perfectionist Critical
• Bossy
• Bullying
• Revenge
• Gossip
• Controls Information

Passive-Defensive Behaviors

• Avoidance
• Seeking Approval
• Isolation/Withdrawal
• Appeasement
• Revenge
• Gossip
• Controls Information

In the situation I described at the beginning of this article, I believe my response to the CEO was lacking a healthy sense of self. I remember feeling a need to be validated and approved by the CEO, the board, and the experience. Therefore, I didn’t operate as a peer – someone that could lead the board and executive team to clear decision-making.

I also didn’t have a proportionate response. I didn’t know what to do, so I quit. I felt uncomfortable talking to the CEO and resolving the situation. I wasn’t able to get things back on course. I withdrew and waited for the storm to pass.

Fortunately, I’m pretty resilient. I realized this was a rich growth opportunity. I took that situation and decided to learn every single lesson I could from it. One lesson was this: Intentionally cultivating my own healthy self-confidence is not about me. It serves my client. To serve well – I need to grow.

Now, years later, I’ve learned it doesn’t matter where a leader is on the ‘ladder’, healthy self-image is key. I’ve worked with many senior leaders. Sometimes, we talk growth strategies and tactics. However, most of the time, our conversations end up focused on the issues mentioned above: avoidance of conflict, fear of failure, discouragement and the desire for acceptance. It’s simply their greatest need.

Important lesson learned: You can’t ‘out succeed’ poor self-image. You have to face it and grow. Very successful people may still have a poor self-image. This might be what drives their need to succeed. But, as they try to “out succeed’ their poor self-image, their leadership will have a fragility, rigidity or toxicity to it.

In part II of this article, I’ll offer five practical tips that you can put to work immediately to begin cultivating your own healthy self-image. They work. You’ll like them!

For now, however, let me leave you with this thought: Our self-image can improve as we help others improve.

What is one thing you can do to today to improve someone else’s condition?

Will you do it?