As a facilitator, I occasionally need to address problem behaviors in group settings. Sometimes this is very demonstrative. I’ve had people publicly express they felt someone of my race shouldn’t have been included in the conversation. Others have disagreed with my subject matter and didn’t know how to express that constructively. More often, problem behavior had nothing to do with me and more to do with conflicts between people in the room.

Also, in most occasions, conflict isn’t expressed demonstratively. Usually, conflict is expressed with a false smile, false cooperation, silence and withdrawal.  For the inexperienced leader or facilitator – silence is often misinterpreted as agreement or cooperation.

For the leader, it can be intimidating to address conflicts in a group setting. There are fears about the situation getting out of hand or becoming embarrassing. It’s difficult to know what to do. So, we tend to opt for fake peace and make-believe cooperation. This doesn’t tend to result in long-term positive outcomes. So, what can we do?

Ignoring It Doesn’t Make It Go Away

When a conflict emerges, it is nearly always an opportunity to help improve relationships, trust, communication, processes, etc. When we ignore a conflict it tends to fester and become toxic within an individual or group. It doesn’t go away. It needs to be addressed. How?

Sometimes Someone Just Needs to Be Heard: Listening Well

This was an eye opening approach for me. Very powerful. When I hear someone in a group repeating themselves, often it is because they don’t feel heard. This might look like a long story where they repeat the same points over and over. It might be bringing up the same point or story or situation again and again. It may be a consistent reemergence of a particular emotion.

Often times, in these situations, two actions help tremendously.

• Paraphrase: To paraphrase is to repeat back what you’ve heard in your own words. So, if John keeps repeating himself in a meeting, I’ll often stop and say, “John, I’m hearing you say X, Y and Z? And it sounds like these are important to you because of A, B and C? Am I hearing you correctly?” John will almost always agree with me (and looked relieved) or he’ll correct me so that I understand what he’s really trying to communicate.
• Describe What We’ll Do with That Information: Sometimes the concern requires a follow up response or action. Once I know, and John knows I know, what he is trying to say, I describe what we’ll do with that. If appropriate and germane, I’ll address it immediately. If not, I’ll let him know “John, I’ll address this topic in the second half of our time together. It’ll fit with the agenda better at that time. Will it be ok to bring it back up then?” If it isn’t a concern that can be best addressed in the group I’ll say something like, “John, you’ve brought up a valuable point. I’d like to give it the attention it needs but this workshop doesn’t best fit that topic. Would you be willing to talk about it with me <during the break/after the workshop, tomorrow at 2pm, etc.>”

Nine times out of ten, paraphrasing and clarifying follow up will resolve the situation.

Sometimes They Really Don’t Know Anything Different: Structured Coaching

Some people really don’t know how to behave in a group situation. They withdraw, dominate, get distracted from the point, become argumentative, etc. In these cases, I will take them aside privately, and coach them. Often times a single session is enough. For some people, more regular sessions are needed. To make this work I often try to stay affirming in my words and demeanor. Then I do the following:

• Objectively describe the problem and impact. “When you (describe a specific behavior) it has (a specific) impact. When you show up late to meetings, it throws the agenda off and collectively frustrates the group who are tight on time.

• Specifically describe a solution: “It would help (this situation) if you (specific action.) It would remove the group’s frustration and help us be productive in our limited time if you showed up on time.

• Stay open to their feedback: Sometimes there are legitimate reasons for their behaviors. Sometimes they have a better idea for a solution. Stay open to dialogue but don’t be afraid to ensure that you both find a solution to the problem you described.

Sometimes They Aren’t in Control of Themselves: Changing the Environment

I discovered that sometimes the environment is triggering behavior problems for others. This first came to my attention when I was starting therapeutic school programs in post-war Kosovo. One of the classes predictably spun out of control during play time when we brought out toys. Instead of punishing or coaching the kids, we removed the toys and played group games. Problem resolved. Their underlying ability to handle the stimulus appropriately wasn’t resolved but we were able to focus on other goals that were deemed more important at the time.

• Use of Space. This is no less true for adults. For example, I found that during long sessions, if caterers set up lunch in a place where people can see or smell it, I’ve lost them. All their blood left their brains and ran to their bellies. So, I’m careful about timing of catering or the rooms that we set up meals in.

Sometimes topics have delicate backstories or contexts. It can be important to know when certain topics should be dealt with in small groups or privately as opposed to a large group.

I often mediate disputes when those disputes are of a legal nature – there is a significant difference between mediating in a courthouse and mediation in our conference rooms which are designed to be calming and professional feeling. There is less of a concern of being forced to make decisions in our conference rooms. There is a greater sense of urgency in a court house context.

I often use seating arrangements as a way to help focus an audience’s attention and create more engagement. Use of space is a powerful tool.

Sometimes They Are Toxic: When & How Removal Can Be an Act of Service

It is very rare but inevitable if you work with groups long enough. Some people need to be removed. When done well, this is an act of service to everyone else. When not done, we allow a disruptive person to hijack a situation and rob the value of it from everyone else. I will seek to remove people who are intentionally being disruptive or have no ability to control themselves. Both are very rare.

• I avoid “kicking someone out” of group sessions in front of others. I don’t want to shame someone. But it can be appropriate to remove someone if they are threatening harm or refusing to not be disruptive. However, I have addressed problem behavior in a group and sometimes that person will remove themselves if they don’t intend to change.
• I will address the behavior or the issue privately. Usually, I start with the coaching approach. If this doesn’t appear like it will work, I may ask someone to not return to the session. I try to look for opportunities to keep a coaching conversation – so that this can be a growth opportunity.

When conflict emerges in groups, it is difficult. Maintaining confidence, a willingness to be curious, and a desire to protect people’s dignity while protecting the purpose of the time together will go a long way to helping you address conflicts in groups.

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