The other day I was buckling my three-year-old into his car seat. He was fussing and grumping and kicking the seat in front of him.

I asked him what was wrong. He answered defiantly. Through gritted teeth: “I…don’t…know!”

As we drove away, I reflected that this seems to be a lot of what is going on in society right now. And in our workplaces.

People are frustrated. Unhappy. They are kicking at the metaphorical seats in front of them. It could be a dog, or the cat or the person in the next cubicle. Maybe “those people” who are ruining everything.

But they aren’t sure why.

What is wrong?

It’s understandable for a three-year-old to not know what is bothering him.

It’s not fine when the grown-up people we lead don’t know what is bothering them. It’s not helpful when they succumb to fussing, grumping and kicking.

It’s a failure when we as leaders don’t know or take the time to explore what we (or they) are bothered by. It isn’t excusable, as leaders, to allow ourselves (or those we lead) to just react and fuss, grump and kick.

Because we end up kicking at someone who did nothing wrong. We’re grumpy in the wrong meetings. We take emotion from one situation and it gets misapplied to another situation.

Leaders lead. This includes leading ourselves. We need to be careful to not react.

We also must learn to help lead people from a place of frustration to a place of vision and confidence in each other and the future.

If we don’t do this, as leaders, then we are perpetually dealing with adult versions of three-year-olds, who are kicking the seats in front of them.

And feeling completely justified in doing so. But they don’t find resolution in kicking the seat.

So, they kick again.

If for no other reason than enlightened self-interest, we should lead people away from their frustration to a place of productive focus.

What’s the source of agitation? Let me suggest this: A critical mass of leaders aren’t leading well. They aren’t trusted. People aren’t confident that their interests are being looked after.

Too many leaders are pursuing their own interests instead of leading to principles.

This leads to fear, frustration, and anger.

Let’s not point the finger at other leaders. Blame produces too little value. If any.

Instead, let’s make sure that the leadership we provide is part of the larger solution. That’s what we can control. That’s where we can lead. So, that is where our attention needs to be.

What do people want?

It’s simple. People generally only want these three things from their leaders:

• They want to be able to trust their leaders (on a personal and moral level.)
• They want to have confidence in their leaders (on a skill/ decision-making level.)
• They want to be able to believe that their leaders care about them.

That’s basically it.

If you tick those three boxes with a group of people, they’ll usually have no problem letting you do the job of leadership.

While this is simple – it isn’t easy. It requires that you actually be a certain kind of person.

And, truth be told, if you do tick those three boxes, leadership won’t feel much like being the king or queen of your own domain. It will feel more like a responsibility you carry on behalf of others.

Character, skills, and care can only be faked for so long.

So, a big part of our job as leaders is to grow. To become.

Our Job is Relationships

I recently had a conversation with someone who described the meltdown of a highly respected organization he had been part of for decades.

The meltdown occurred, as it often does, during a time of leadership transition. Ego, turf, power grabs and years of avoided, unaddressed issues surfaced.

None of the stuff swept under the rug had gone anywhere. And now it wanted attention.

At the core, the grumping and kicking were rooted in the fact that leaders had avoided discovering good answers to these two questions:

What is My Relationship with Myself? In a previous article, I wrote about how leaders should be careful about over-reliance on their own strengths. I discussed how most of my athletic injuries have come about from doing just that.

In my leadership roles, when I overemphasize my own strengths, I stop listening well, I start running others over, I become impatient…I hurt people and leave them behind.

Why? In part because sometimes (in the short term) it seems easier. Also, because there is still a part of me that wants to be acknowledged for my strengths.

Which is another way of saying that despite recognized expertise, I’m not always confident in myself.

When I’m struggling with an area of self-image, I’m likely to either be hurtful of others (because I feel egotistical) or neglectful of others (avoiding action I don’t feel confident in because I don’t want to expose weakness).

Leaders, or at least ones who care, must actively and continuously work on their own personal development and growth.

We lead out of who we are. It’s the only source material we’ve got.

So, who are you? Who do you want to be? Who do you need to be?

What is My Relationship with Those I Lead?

When I was a high-school student, I noticed how some teachers were just naturally respected by everyone. The result was, all the students just acted better.

I also noticed how other teachers never seemed to earn this respect. Correspondingly, they didn’t have great classroom control.

It had nothing to do with who was viewed as being nice or cool.  It had nothing to do with who was tough or a disciplinarian.

It had to do with how they related to us.

We were high school students. Not particularly thoughtful, insightful or reflective. We just responded to how we were related to.

I observe this dynamic in organizations all the time.

Consider this:

Imagine a leader who pays attention to being consistent and principled in her behaviors and decisions.

Imagine this same leader works on and actively builds the skills of leadership – communication, organization, building alignment and consensus, decision making, etc.

Now imagine that this same leader incorporates interests of those she leads and those who are impacted by their decisions. Not in a political, pandering way. But in a way to accomplish the greatest good.

This leader will rarely experience serious and prolonged issues within her team. At least not for long. Sure, issues come up, but they won’t become chronic. They won’t fester.

It just doesn’t happen.

Instead, this leader’s team can be expected to work well together and perform highly.

Because of how the leader relates to them and others.

Does It Feel Like You Are Leading Three-Year-Olds?

As a parent of a three-year-old, it doesn’t help to just expect ideal behavior and get frustrated when that doesn’t happen. Not that I don’t try to parent by just having expectations. It just doesn’t work well.

But I must come back to accepting that my role is to help model, define, train and help my son to grow into ideal behavior.

To do that, I must become more patient, listen better and be more curious. I must learn to slow my agenda down and be aware of (and value) other’s agendas. Even if they are Lego-based agendas.

If I don’t, my three-year-old will, basically, just get bigger. But still act essentially the same.

As leaders, we need to grow so that we can grow others. If others aren’t growing, it is likely because we’ve stopped growing somewhere.

It’s worth regularly reviewing these questions:

• What is one way my choices or behaviors could come into better alignment with our values?
• What is one leadership competency or skill that I should be developing right now?
• What is one way I can offer respect or appreciation to those I lead?

If you take actions on your answers to those questions, you’ll find yourself and your team gaining traction in a new way.

Take good care,

Christian

P.S. Interested learning more? Get the first chapter of my new book, Conflict and Leadership for free.