One of my closest friends, Kris, is a contractor. Years ago, he needed some quick help on a commercial remodel. I have extensive ‘go-fer’ experience and agreed to help him for a day. The job was about 45 minutes away in another town. He picked me up early in the morning and we drove there together.

Around midday, I received an urgent personal call. I ducked into a quiet room to talk for about an hour.

When I returned and began working, I could tell Kris was upset. At first, he fumed a little. Then he erupted, accusing me of not asking permission to leave the job site and for expecting to get paid after not working.

Speechless, I was confused and became angry as well. Not knowing how to respond, I found something to do on the opposite side of the work site. We worked separately the rest of the day.

My stomach was churning, I was rehearsing conversations in my head: “He isn’t my employer, I’m here helping him! Who does he think he is, thinking I need to ask for permission to take a phone call? If he is going to relate to me like this – I don’t need this friendship.”

I just wanted to leave. Unfortunately, he was my ride home.

That evening, we silently loaded up the truck and headed home. For a while neither of us said anything. I don’t remember who started talking first; but, eventually Kris told me why he was so upset. The project was over budget, the client was financially overextended, and he thought I was expecting to get paid for the time I didn’t work. He was feeling enormous pressure regarding time and money. I told him about the call. I shared why it was important to me; and reassured him that getting paid wasn’t what I expected.

We talked it out thoroughly and honestly. Both of us affirmed how we valued the friendship. We shared how we had interpreted the experience and listened as the other explained what was going on. As a result, we were able to move forward from the petty, surface conversations which sounded basically like, “You’re ripping me off” and “You’re not the boss of me!”

Instead, we moved to focusing on the deeper level and what was beneath it all. By the time we got home, we were fully reconciled to each other and things felt good between us.

That conflict became a touchstone in our relationship. We both discovered that our commitment to the friendship was greater than the issues we were fighting over. That actually grew our trust in each other.

Since we’re both opinionated and stubborn, we’ve had plenty of conflicts since then. However, we remember that early experience. We now know that our friendship is more important than whatever we are arguing about. We also know that neither of us is going to just leave the friendship or refuse to talk things out. As a result, the fear or anger that usually accompanies conflicts doesn’t predominate. We tend to resolve arguments quickly now. Things aren’t drawn out.

Each time we’ve had and resolved a new conflict, we’ve built a history of deepened trust. Each experience makes the next conflict easier to work through. Kris was eventually one of my groomsmen when I got married.

Tips for success:

• Be ready and willing to really listen to the other person.
• Allow your assumptions to be challenged and changed.
• Move the conversation from a place of positions: “I think you are a jerk.” or, “You need to be working where I can see you.” to a place of interests: “I would like to be respected.” or, “I need to keep costs low.”

Conflict, if you engage it well, builds trust. It can actually work to build stronger and more meaningful relationships. This is as true in your workplace as it is in your family.

Conflict is normal and probably inevitable.

What relationship of yours can be strengthened through relating to conflict differently?

Take a moment to think about what you need to do to ‘stay in it’ and move the conversation to that deeper level where you can share and hear what is really important to both of you?