I recently participated in a planning process as a member serving a nonprofit board. Throughout the course of the day we discussed topics that had great importance to the organization, the community, and to us personally. There were moments of very direct, and even sharp, disagreement. It was, quite honestly, tiring.

However, I think it’s fair to say: it was good. Our respect for each other grew as a result. I think we’re even more comfortable around each other now. We did better work because of open, and sometimes emotional, disagreements.

On a recent unrelated occasion, I was involved with another board that operates very differently. The organization is good, filled with good people trying to do good work. However, the board meetings are very quiet. There is a sense that disagreement is risky. Direct questions, that might yield uncomfortable answers, are avoided. General discussions often proceed amidst a sense of defensiveness. I find myself wondering how to navigate the “eggshells” that appear to exist around many topics. I even wonder if I should; as, questions and active engagement appear to be perceived as confrontational or resistant. Passive acceptance is misinterpreted as consensus. It’s extremely difficult, if not impossible, to do good work.

Where does this difficulty come from? At its very core, conflict emerges when someone is frustrated in their attempt to be understood, or to accomplish a desire that is important to them. I believe most people have a primary desire to feel Significant, Secure or Satisfied. It’s how people relate to these desires that makes the difference.

Unhelpful Conflict

Most workplace conflicts are actually about the What and the How. What should we do? How should we do it? Fairly tame stuff. The degree to which a conversation focuses on the What and the How, the more productive it usually is.

Conflict becomes unhelpful when we begin to perceive that the conversation is threatening our sense of personal Significance, Security or Satisfaction. This holds true even if the conversation is about a cause or position that we closely identify with.

For instance, when I was a freshman in high school I found myself defensive about the music I listened to. If someone didn’t like the music, or didn’t like the way a band dressed, I felt I needed to personally defend them; regardless of the fact that I had no interest in big hair, singing falsetto or wearing tights. I had identified the music and the bands with my significance.

On the flip side, not only did I identify my music with myself; I identified other people’s music with them. So, it was sometimes difficult for me to disagree with, or dislike, someone else’s tastes without making it personal in some way.

Helpful Conflict

Helpful conflict can take place when we’re able to separate the conversation from ourselves. In particular, when we’re able to disagree with others, yet preserve others’ sense of Significance, Security and Satisfaction.

In other words, I am not my opinion. I have an opinion. They are not their opinion. They have an opinion.

In the example of the first board-meeting scenario, above, there is a sufficient sense of value in the room that people don’t feel fundamentally threatened by disagreement. In the second board-meeting scenario, I believe some people feel a sense of personal insecurity. This causes them to experience disagreements, questions, and many conversations, as threats; even when they’re intended to help and support.

How to create spaces where Helpful Conflict can happen

Cultivate a healthy self-image: I’ve discussed this in more detail in my article, Building a Healthy Self Image.  The greater my sense of the value that I offer, and the value that I have, the less I need agreement to bolster my confidence.

Listen for what others are really saying: Even though most workplace conversations are about the What and the How, those things can impact, or become symbolic of, someone’s sense of Significance, Security or Satisfaction. If those conversations get stuck, it’s often because the conversation has taken on a deeper personal meaning for someone involved. This is not a time to argue; rather it’s a time recognize where they’re coming from.

Respond to their actual concern: As authentically as possible, address these underlying concerns. Affirm:

• the person’s value to the organization
• their security is important to you, as well
• their comfort is meaningful

How Conflict Gets Good

Interestingly, this affirmation is where conflict gets good. This is where conflict becomes most valuable: when we engage these moments of weirdness and explore them.

When we explore conflict while offering dignity, respect and openness, even when we don’t agree, we’re able to understand each other at much deeper levels.

Trust begins to be built. We become less afraid to engage on tougher issues. We learn to explore, rather than fear, ideas; and chase better solutions together.

Think of a recent conflict you experienced:

1. Did you believe it was about the How or the What?
2. Did you tend to feel it was, somehow, about you personally?
3. How did those feelings impact your sense of how to respond?

If your team is “stuck” in conflict and meetings are not effective, don’t hesitate to contact us today. We help leaders navigate complex situations and create great organizations.