When I was a child, my brother and I liked to build forts and tree houses. I would often exert “older brother privilege” to obtain the most desirable locations and materials. My brother was often left with what was left over.

This made me feel good. (I was not the ideal big brother.)

However, my brother regularly demonstrated a trait that frustrated me. He would improve upon wherever he was at. Soon, he had created a very desirable fort or treehouse. He seemed content and happy. In fact, he created something I now wanted.

This made me feel bad.

The Problem

At first, I thought that he was lucky.

Then I thought he had a better eye for the “good places.” I figured I needed to sharpen my ability to get to those first.

After a few years of this, I started to realize that he just made something good out of where he was at.

I resented that.

What I saw was that he seemed happy. He appeared content. He found ways to improve his condition.

I didn’t like this because I thought that by getting the better place, securing the better materials, I would become happy and stay content. But I never could.

I was too focused on getting a “better” place as compared to him. That is what I thought would make me happy.

I was envious. Envy means more than just wanting what someone else has. It also includes not being able to be happy unless I’m doing better in comparison (or at least they are doing worse).

Lest You Think I’m Alone

Dr. David Barash conducted a study of Harvard students. It was a simple study. He asked a group of public health graduate students these two questions:

Would you rather:

1. Earn $50,000 and others earn $25,000 or
2. Earn $100,000 and others earn $250,000.

The majority chose #1.

It was more important to earn more in comparison to other then to earn more.

Remember, these are public health students. Presumably, some part of their career choice was motivated by the greater good. I’m sure most of them understand their job choices will be in either government or non-profits.

I’m sure their application essays were generally very altruistic.

But their answers to this question suggested that what they really wanted was: To earn more than the other person. Even if that mean they earned less. Half as much, actually.

This question didn’t just suggest enviousness. It revealed a certain meanness.

I’d find that easier to judge if I wasn’t also guilty.

The Top of One Ladder Is Just the Bottom of Another

In high school, I noticed that the pecking order is everything. The goal, for me at least, was to work my way up. Then one day I noticed that there was no “Top of the Heap.” Once you were a senior, you might be able to enjoy that for a little while – then you were a freshman (in college) all over again.

Then you were the junior employee. Then the junior executive. Then the executive running the smaller company.

There was no top. It is a treadmill.

How It Hurts Us as Leaders, Our Organizations and Our Families

We make decisions based off of comparison instead of what is best for those we lead, those impacted by us or even what we really want.

We misinterpret success – thinking that, “I want what that person has.” As opposed to figuring out, “What is it that I really want or need?” & “What makes those things valuable?”

We are actually willing to settle for less as long as it looks like more then what the other guy has got.

We think that happiness is the result of accomplishment. But the goal posts keep moving.

We don’t know that accomplishment is more often a result of happiness. Healthy, happy, high-functioning organizations are positioned to accomplish great things.

Aggressive, striving, competitive organizations rarely have happy people in them. And they spend a tremendous amount of resources on addressing the conflict, turn-over and waste generated from an internally competitive environment.

Envy takes good leaders and aims us in the wrong direction.

Learning Healthy Ambition & Contentment

Contentment is confusing for many leaders. Because it usually isn’t associated with ambition. Here is the distinction I’d like to create from you:

• Ambition that seeks to improve the condition of others, our organization and those impacted by what we do and doesn’t harm others – is healthy.
• Ambition that seeks to improve our condition and the condition of our organization in comparison to others and either harms others or doesn’t actively avoid harming others – is unhealthy.

I still believe it is fine to be ambitious. It is fine to want a nicer tree fort. But I’ll never find my own happiness if I can’t also be happy for my brother and the tree fort he built.

How often do you find yourself comparing your situation to that of others?

If you are honest, to what degree are you measuring success in comparison to others?

What is one thing you can do to cultivate healthy ambition?