I’m angry.

I recently had an intense argument with someone I’m close to.

I’m frustrated –no, I’m furious— with their attitude and how they are choosing to treat me.

My thoughts are dark.

The slope is slippery. There’s nothing good at the bottom.

I’m at work. Sitting next to a box of books. A box full of a book that I wrote: Conflict and Leadership.

I know the tools of conflict resolution. They work.

But I don’t want to do the work. It isn’t fair that I should have to fix a problem I didn’t create.

I’m an expert on leadership: If a leader only acts well when its “fair” then a leader will rarely find a reason to act well.

I don’t want to take responsibility for myself.

I want to feel justified in merely reacting. I want validation for all the poor decisions waiting to be made.

I’m dissonant.

How do I grab my attitude by the shoulders and turn myself around?

I know that success is a product of the right mindset and habits.

Mindset and habits.

They create a feedback loop. A positive mindset causes one to seek positive habits. These reinforce an even more positive mindset. And so on.

It works in reverse as well.

I want to succeed. I no longer want to be reactive. I want to pursue becoming my best self.

I’ve built habits which are helping me now.

Relationships

I’ve created a handful of relationships, specifically for the purpose of growth. They know it. I know it.

One is a coach whom I’ve worked with for years. The other is a group I participate in.

Over time, these relationships have become friendships.

But at the core, the purpose of our relationship is growth.

So they are honest with me.

And I can be honest with them.

I’ve built the habit of checking in with them regularly. I’ve learned to be transparent about where I’m at.

Doing so begins to disrupt the negative spiral I was creating.

Gratitude

As part of my daily routine, I normally reflect on three things that I’m grateful for.

Today, I’m not feeling grateful. But I’ve built the habit.

So, I discipline myself to list three things I’m grateful for anyway.

It’s impossible to be grateful and stay angry.

My attitude is shifting.

But I’m not done.

Meditate and Pray

I’m lousy at both.

I struggle to sit still. Quieting myself feels like a fight.

My prayers are mostly selfish.

But I do one or the other or both every day.

So, I pray and meditate today. Or at least I try.

The quality is not great.

But I recognize the disruption inside myself.

I acknowledge that I’m not capable, on my own, to be who I want to be.

I need help.

I shift again.

Leaders don’t leave their attitudes to chance.

I hate conflict.

But I like to fight.

Moreover, I like to win.

I may grapple with this dissonance the rest of my life.

I know that the man I want to become, the leader I want to be, won’t happen by chance.

I must earn it. Choice, after tedious, unfair, difficult choice.

So, I build these habits.

This isn’t an article prescribing a particular set of habits.

It’s a reflection on the value of setting those habits up in the first place.

I don’t know anyone who lives an intentional life, one that is purposeful, who doesn’t have the right habits into place. Habits that get them back on track.

I don’t know anyone who avoids failure or mistakes. But I do know that the people who get up quickly, who rebound the fastest, are the ones with the best habits already in place.

I’ve built these habits precisely because it’s so difficult for me to be who I want to be.

On my own, with my own willpower, based on my current mood, I’m all over the map.

Why I wrote this article

One of my habits is to write a weekly article. This was the day I had scheduled to write it.

I had another topic scheduled for this week. But it felt false. Or at least, writing on that topic today, seemed hollow.

I struggled with the idea of writing this article. I’m not sure how people will respond to it.

I can’t tell how it comes across.

But I couldn’t stop thinking that this is what I needed to write.

I desperately want to reach the end of my life, knowing that I put everything into becoming the person I was meant to be.

I want that for my readers as well. For my clients. For my family.

What I’m trying to say is: We aren’t victims to our moods. We aren’t victims of our circumstances.

In fact, leaders can’t afford to be victims.

We can choose.

We must choose.

I believe others rely on us to choose.

The benefit

I’m not angry now.

I’m ready to do what I can to repair this relationship.

I don’t need things to be fair.

I’m ready to do what I need to do.

Christian

If you are in a position of leadership or are tasked with developing your organization’s leadership team, I invite you to learn more about my leadership coaching or consulting services. Contact me directly here.