I have a tendency to steer relationships with clients, my kids, friends, my wife. I’ll often do this in a direction that I think is good. Where I think there is benefit.

It’s a missionary effort.  I endeavor to bring good news, information, advice or guidance – often to someone who didn’t ask for it.

I’ve discovered that they don’t always respond as I expect. Instead of gratefulness, enlightenment and excitement – I might be met with passivity. Or resistance. Or resentment.

Confusing stuff. Because I’m trying to do something good.

And, so, I discovered: Good things aren’t always the right thing.

Discerning the difference is a key to effective leadership (and life).

Good Does Not Equal Right

I’m not using the word “right” in a binary sense. Right, wrong. 100% hit or 100% miss.

Instead, I mean it in the sense of: appropriate, fitting, suitable or proper.

Here are some examples:

It might be good for one of my sons to learn to follow instructions. But it may be the right thing to just listen to him tell his story in that moment.

It might be a good thing to buy a gift for my wife. But the right thing may be to just put the dishes away.

It might be a good thing to encourage and support my staff. But the right thing may be to confront poor behavior.

How Do You Tell the Difference?

I had a recent conversation with a client. I noticed light resistance in the conversation. It was confusing. What I was recommending was good. It was a proven approach. It would generate results.

I thought about reflecting what I was experiencing back to the client. I thought about confronting it. Both of those approaches can be good and can help serve a client.

Then I took a quick look at our agreement. I reviewed the goals we had set at the beginning of the contract. I realized I had wandered.

I was pursuing something that would be good for the client. The client would benefit from the direction I was heading. However, it wasn’t the direction that we had originally agreed to. What I was recommending was good.

But it wasn’t right.

Here are some tests that I find helpful in discerning the difference between Good and Right.

• Are my interests conflicted in this situation? In other words, do I stand to benefit from what I’m recommending or doing? If so, I need to consider if what I’m doing is genuinely the right thing – or just a good thing that I’m rationalizing.

We often think of conflicts of interest in terms of the potential for financial gain. But it goes beyond this:

• • Am I doing this because I don’t have the patience for other methods?

  • Am I doing this because I don’t want to put in the work required by a different approach?

  • Am I doing this because I don’t know what else to do (and don’t feel like being curious)?

  • Am I doing this because I want to try out a new method or approach?

  • Am I doing this because I want to avoid a difficult conversation or uncomfortableness?

• Does this fit our relationship or previous agreements? Someone else’s child might be rude at the store. It might be good for that child to not be rude. It may not be right for me to be the one to redirect that child.

A client may have invited me to help them deal with a strategic question. In the process, I may notice that they struggle with interpersonal relationships. This is a good thing to improve. It might even be a critical thing. But it isn’t right unless I gain permission to address it.

• Does the other person grow as a result of what I say or do? Will they move towards mastery or autonomy as a result? It can be easy to rationalize that the other person is growing. But often they aren’t.

Do my actions or words go beyond solving the immediate needs or urgency and produce growth?

Does my way of engaging make them more or less dependent on me? It can be easy, as leaders, to build systems that are dependent on us. It is fun to be the smartest, most responsible, most “expert” person in the room. It can be easy to feel it is quicker if, “I just do it myself.”

Think about recent leadership decisions you made.

Which ones were good?

Which ones were right?