Everything seems to be going fine, and then…it’s not.

The employee that keeps showing up late…the manager that’s never prepared for meetings…the board meetings where no one ever says what needs to be said…the owner’s nephew who always seems to be given a “pass”…the interdepartmental rivalries…the “after-meetings” in the parking lot…

What is all this stuff? Where does it come from? Can we make it go away?

What is conflict?

Conflict occurs anytime there’s a disagreement over something that’s important to all sides of a dispute. That’s an obvious definition; except, we tend to overlook one small part of it: the word important. We know the disagreement is over something important to us; but that other person is just being stubborn (or arrogant, or pig-headed, or….)

Conflicts emerge over a number of different things. However, at their core, they are usually about protecting our sense of significance, security and satisfaction.

Significance: We all want to feel that we’re valued and that we add value through what we do.

Security: We all want to feel safe financially, in our relationships, physically, etc.

Satisfaction: We all want some level of contentment, peace, and “the good life”.

If anything threatens to take one or more of these away (or threatens to prevent our attainment of any of these three) conflict emerges.

What provokes this sense of threat can be broad. Poor or inadequate information is often at the root of a dispute. When I’m called to intervene in a dispute, I often encounter heavy assumptions and mind reading. Conflicts can also emerge over differing values and preferences.

Where does conflict comes from?

Before there is conflict, there is desire. There is nothing wrong with desiring significance, security or satisfaction. Things go wrong, however, when we become afraid that we might not be able to get, or maintain, what we desire.

This fear causes us to begin to demand. We insist that things go our way. We react to the threat; whether real or perceived. When we don’t get what we want, we tend to judge or label the other person; making them less valuable and less human. And then, we act out according to how we now see the other person, and our tendencies, in conflict.

What can we do about conflict?

The challenge is: we feel justified; because, our initial desire wasn’t bad. What’s wrong with wanting to be treated with respect? What’s wrong with wanting profitability for the company? Of course, nothing is wrong with these things.

However, in our justification, people aren’t responding to our desires, they are responding to our demands or bad behavior. Perhaps, our desire for respect has become distorted and created a situation where we don’t tolerate dissent in meetings. Perhaps, our desire for financial security has made us demanding and led us to dehumanize and use others.

Many disputes can be transformed by, first, recognizing and placing value on our core desires. And then, humbly evaluating whether we’ve pursued those desires in a way that’s harmful and not helpful.

As leaders, when we suspect a co-worker’s significance, security or satisfaction is threatened, we can focus on understanding and speaking to their core desires; rather than speaking to their demands, judgments or bad behavior. With this new focus, we’ll be far more effective at turning disputes around.

Exercise: Think of a recent conflict you experienced.

1. What were your deepest underlying desires?
2. What questions could you have asked that might’ve helped you learn the other side’s desires?
3. How do you think the conversation might have gone if you both were relating to underlying desires instead of demands, judgments or bad behavior?