“How do I know what am I worth?”

Every entrepreneur whom I consult or coach asks this.

Leaders of rapidly growing businesses or non-profits wonder about this.

Retiring leaders, who founded great organizations, started new enterprises, enjoyed community influence and impact struggle to let go because they don’t know how to answer this.

Worth. Do we mean as measured in dollar signs? Other people’s admiration? Our sense of self-worth? Something else?

Perhaps because most of us don’t know how to assess our personal value—We want to know that we have “worth.”

We all feel, at times, that we would like to be valued a little higher.

We would like our significance to others to wax and not wane.

The Search for Significance

The search for significance is one of the most pervasive of human activities. It dominates and directs the decisions and perspectives of most leaders. It rarely matters what they lead: businesses, non-profits, governments, houses of worship.

The desire to be valued is of greater importance, to most leaders, than the desire for security, success or happiness.

I say this because of how readily most leaders sacrifice security, success or happiness to gain one more sliver of personal significance.

But What Determines My Value?

Value, worth, significance. Where does it come from? Only two places. Value is either earned or ascribed.

It is never intrinsic. Nothing has intrinsic value. Gold only means something if I want it, like it or there is a market for it. Love only means something if I desire it and want to reciprocate it.

Value, like beauty, is exclusively in the eyes of the beholder.

Earned Value & Ascribed Value – Both Exist & Both Matter

Earned Value: Earned value is transactional. Our value is tied to the benefit we bring to others. Not particularly warm and fuzzy when stripped down like that. But that is how it is.

In a Kum Ba Yah moment, I might feel that we are all people of equal, intrinsic, indescribable worth. We are all made of stardust, perhaps. We’re all children of God perhaps. But that only means something if I care about stardust. Or if I respect God’s opinion of you. Stay with me….

This sentiment is instantly betrayed when I start to resent that (lesser) parent’s screaming child on the airplane. Or avert my eyes from the homeless person standing on the street corner. Or emotionlessly read a newspaper story about another bombing in Nigeria. I don’t relate or respond as if those people have indescribable worth to me. I respond with annoyance, discomfort or disengagement.

Stay with me…

As a leader, or in business, my real value doesn’t come from “what the market will bear.” It doesn’t come from “What do other consultants charge.”

My value has nothing to do with what I think I’m worth.

My value as only comes from my ability to answer this question, “To what degree do I improve your condition?” The degree that I help a client build a more profitable business, a higher-functioning non-profit, navigate fast growth or smooth out a succession process – is the value that I bring. That is the value I have created.

That is the value I have.

In relationships, it feels cold to say that my worth is tied to “the value that I bring” but think about it: We build friendships with people who add something to our lives.

We don’t build friendships with people who only require something from us. Unless we are codependent. Then we are attracted to those kinds of people. But even then, the perceived value is that we are needed.

My value, differently stated, comes from, “How do I improve the quality of your life?”

Even on a subconscious level, we tend to avoid people who only take or ask from us. At a minimum, it strains relationships. On the other hand, we tend to become closer to people who make us happy, offer us enjoyable company, insight, shared experiences, etc.

OK – I’m only talking about one kind of valuing right now. There is another….

Ascribed Value: Ascribed value is a value that hasn’t been earned. It is a value that one person chooses to place on someone else. It might be due to a particular family background, or relationship, or shared experience.

When my wife and I first dated – we earned value from each other. Dating is transactional. We treated each other nicely. We did favors. We showed attention that we didn’t show others. We earned and cultivated that value.

When we married – we still need to do those things. But purely transactional marriages (or friendships or partnerships) don’t work well. Marriages where value is ascribed do.

I’m learning to choose to value her. To ascribe value to her. To find value in her.

“I value you because I chose you.”

It’s a choice.

Today, when my oldest son (he’s 4) threatened to run away from home because I wouldn’t let him take his brothers toys, I still chose to value him. When he moped and complained and decided to let his disappointment become blame and anger – I still valued him.

He’s in the process of reducing the quality of my morning. But in my heart, I’m watching him learn to navigate difficult emotions. I want him to succeed in this. And to do well. I feel helpless because I can’t do it for him.

But I value him. Even though he is my child – I have to choose him. In the big picture I don’t find that hard to do. But in the small picture – at times it is a challenge.

And the big picture is only made up out of the small pictures. Talk is cheap. I have to choose.

Some of my closest friendships began as business relationships. We provided some kind of transactional value to each other early in our relationship. The experience was enjoyed and repeated. Eventually, the relationship grew beyond the transactional relationship.

We chose each other. We chose to place value on each other.

One of my closest friends is also, now, one of my largest clients. When we began the project, we were both very clear that the friendship was more important than the business.

If one or the other were challenged – we would choose the friendship.

I love the fact that I often develop friendships with my clients. That earned value can grow to become ascribed value.

In fact, the best leaders tend to ascribe a great deal of value to a great deal of people.

Back to the Kum Ba Yah and the Mark of Leadership Greatness

The truth is, I think the more people we are able to ascribe value to, the more people we can “choose.” The bigger we become as people. This is, in essence, the mark of the best leaders. The best leaders know how to offer or place value on others – who may not have earned it.

Personally, I do believe that we are all God’s children. So, while I don’t automatically value all his children the way He might – I can learn to. I can learn to try to see what He sees.

You may not share that perspective. Regardless, if you want to expand your ability to lead you’ll will need to accept that:

The best leaders increase their own value by improving the condition of others. But they ascribe value to those who haven’t earned it.

The more a leader can do both, the greater and more unassailable their influence will be.

So How Do You Determine Your Worth?

In your leadership role, are you more likely to focus on the value you bring to others – or the value others should place on you?

How does how you value yourself impact how you lead others?

This is the fifth article in a series on Leadership Success Mindsets. To read any of the other articles in the series please go to:

7 Ways to Develop a Perspective of Abundance

3 Powerful Practices for an Abundant Life 

5 Ways to Kick Perfectionism in the Teeth and Start Making Progress

The Best Way to Fail as A Leader (And How to Avoid It)