Yesterday, as I was boarding a flight, the gate agent couldn’t get the scanner to accept my ticket.

“There is a problem with your seat.” She said. “Maybe I can get you a new one.”

“Is there an upgrade available?” I asked.

There was. First Class was half empty. She gave me the upgrade. I said, “Thank you.”

As I sat in First Class, waiting for everyone to board, I saw a woman get on. The flight attendant indicated that her seat was in First Class.

The woman seemed very confused at first. Then flustered. Then she said, “I don’t think I’d feel comfortable sitting up here. I’d rather sit back there.” The flight attendant indicated she was free to do as she wished.

She hauled her bag back with her to find a seat somewhere in Coach. She walked past several empty First Class seats to get there.

She missed out on a small blessing. I suspect that she misses out frequently.

It resonated with me because I’ve missed out frequently.

I don’t know why First Class made her uncomfortable. However, I know I’ve often been uncomfortable when offered something good. It might seem strange. But it is common. It’s a limiting mindset.

I’ve had limiting mindsets. These mindsets have prevented me from simply saying, “Thank you,” and receiving the good things life can offer.

To not be able to receive is to be unable to relate to what is good in life and in relationships. It is a stunted way to perceive life and to experience it. If I’m uncomfortable with relating to what is good – not only will I not receive it well – I’ll also not give it as well as I could.

Fortunately, this can change.

The Limiting Mindsets

“I Am Not Deserving”: I’m primarily talking about the belief that, at a fundamental level, I don’t deserve good things. It’s the idea that maybe other people have good things, meaningful relationships or rich experiences – but I can’t expect those for myself.

I can easily be self-righteous about this. This is very real and very common but difficult to detect.

I might take on a martyr mentality. False martyrs deny themselves good things. Their denial doesn’t better others nor is it an act of personal or spiritual discipline. It is primarily fueled, ironically, from a sense of pride or superiority out of having less or choosing to receive less.

I might take on a victim mentality. People with a victim mentalities often believe that someone can only have at the expense of someone who has not. It’s a perspective that good things are limited. They can only be taken from someone. They are not created, given, earned or happened upon.

Being deserving is not about a sense of entitlement or self-indulgence to every whim. It just means that you or I can be free to believe that whether it is given or earned – we can choose to experience good things.

On a small level – my children don’t get everything they want or when they want it. But I believe they are deserving of receiving many good things. It’s important that they believe it too. They might need to earn some of them. They may need to wait, or learn to ask or receive politely. Sometimes they even need to accept a “No.”

But even a “No,” isn’t about their fundamental worth.

It is all about how they receive. Not whether they should receive.

I Don’t Trust: Some people don’t receive because they are suspicious. They can never shake the feeling that there is a catch.

They might believe that receiving makes them indebted in some way.

They may believe that receiving is an act of weakness. That accepting something that is offered demonstrates or reveals a desire. This feels vulnerable and there is fear that this vulnerability might be exploited.

In so doing, they rob themselves not only of experiencing something good – but they rob others of the opportunity to give.

Sure. Some people can’t be trusted. However, to paint all of life with a brush of distrust is to lose anyway.

I Don’t Believe In The Law of Sowing and Reaping: This is the idea that if I “plant good” somewhere, it’ll grow and “return good” to me. It looks like this.

• If I treat others with respect – others will tend to respect to me.
• If I’m generous towards others – I’ll have plenty.
• If I trust others and am trustworthy – others will generally trust me and be trustworthy as well.
• If I create and offer value toothers – others will return value to me.

The inverse of any of the above is true as well.  Many cultures and traditions have observed this law in action.

The challenge is that, for many people, we believe it is good to give but not good to receive. We sow but don’t reap. We need to do both.

For years, I worked in the non-profit community. For most of that time I was totally committed to sowing. But I was uncomfortable with reaping. As a result, I was always limited in what I could sow.

If we don’t become good sowers and good reapers we allow the fruit to die on the vine. Unharvested. To no one’s benefit.

There are a couple of deeply important concepts to grasp:

1. You won’t always reap from the same place you sowed. The charity I donate to may never benefit me or even acknowledge me. But can reap from somewhere.
2. Intent matters. The law works but it works best if we are authentic in our generosity, trust, respect or whatever else we offer.
3. It is more about patterns and lifestyles then individual actions. It’s about being a generous person – not an act of generosity. It’s about being a person of integrity – not telling the truth once.
4. You must be able to receive. If the inability to receive comes from a martyr or victim mentality or we aren’t trusting – we will unintentionally “sow” those attitudes into our relationships. So, we might be generous and have integrity and care about people. But underlying mindsets limit our ability to receive. Which limits our ability to give.

How To Receive

It’s simple.

1. Receive.
2. Say, “Thank You.”

In what ways have you walked past First Class in your home life? At work? In friendships?

How have you tended to justify or rationalize why you are now sitting in Coach?

Are you willing to make a change? What is the first step you need to take?