I was recently looking for a new business app. I found one that looked perfect for what I needed.

Too perfect.

It had 5 out of 5 stars.

Instead of engendering trust, I became suspicious. What app out there, if it has attracted any meaningful amount of attention, has ever achieved perfect satisfaction from all of its users?

So, I decided to see.

It had been downloaded once. It had one review. I guess the developer has to start somewhere.

But I didn’t download it. It hadn’t been criticized. I didn’t trust it.

That launched me into a series of thoughts. I realized that resources and reviews of those resources don’t seem credible to me if they don’t generate some amount of criticism.

Upon reflection, I saw that I feel the same way about leaders. If someone is unquestionably adored, deemed flawless in judgment and execution, my BS detector starts to go off.

I find that perfection doesn’t seem plausible to me. In fact, a perfect score seems less credible than a score that is slightly less than perfect, I wondered about my own relationship with perfection and criticism.

Leaders Must Embrace and Engage Criticism To Be Credible

As leaders, we are often exposed to more criticism than others. That’s the price for having a little more influence and being a little more visible than others.

It’s actually interesting to watch our current presidential race in this regard. Neither of our two leading candidates responds to criticism particularly well. I suspect that this is at least one reason why the majority of the country would prefer that neither were elected. (How did we get here?)

I wonder, if either of them became more adept at listening to criticism, exploring what was behind it, if he or she would be more skilled at addressing the underlying concerns.

What would happen if either was able to quickly acknowledge critique without being immediately dismissive, deflecting or attacking?

What if there wasn’t the predictable denials and reverse incriminations? What if there was ownership? I wonder if this wouldn’t result in at least some improvement in the public perception of credibility.

But It Is So Hard To Be Criticized

So, I continue to reflect. What are my common, unhelpful, reactions to criticism?

• Ignore it and it doesn’t exist: If nothing was heard then it doesn’t exist.
• Attack: It is easy to want to lash back at criticism. Perhaps with a character attack. Or sarcasm. Or something else. You hurt me, I’ll hurt you.
• Deflect: Try to shift the attention elsewhere. Bring up someone else’s failings. Change the subject. Any other topic or distraction will do.
• Minimize: Act as if it really wasn’t that big of a deal. Or as if my responsibility was really minimal. In fact, I probably had no responsibility at all. Just a fellow victim.

To be honest, I haven’t found that any of those approaches tends to endear me to my wife, or colleagues or to anyone else. But in the off-chance, I still try once in a while anyways.

How To Respond to Criticism

So what does work? First of all, not all criticism is created equal.

As a public speaker and a trainer, I’m often in front of audiences. Most of the time, I’m well received (or I couldn’t do this professionally.) However, I’ve received some real zingers that seem to come right out of left field.

Additionally, I’ve found that people can project their own “stuff” on to me. I’ve frequently worked cross-culturally. I’m nearly always well received – but there will often be one person in the audience who is clearly carrying some pain or an offense or anger of some sort regarding “people like me” – whatever box they feel I best fit in.

It happens.

However, I’ve also received feedback that was poorly delivered – but genuine and helpful. Here are some thoughts on relating to criticism:

Sorting Through The Critique

• Reputation: What is the reputation of the person giving the critique? Do they tend to be pretty honest? Caring? Are they passionate about the topic? An expert? Are they known for being a troll? Do they just tend to find personal value in trumpeting the weaknesses of others?
• Intent: Is it personal or an objective disagreement with something I said? Are they trying to help? Do they care about me or the topic?
• Content: Are they addressing what I did or said? Are they addressing how I did it or said it? Is there something I can learn from this, even if I have to swallow my pride?
• Themes: Is this the first time I’ve ever received this kind of critique? Or is what they are saying something that I’ve heard before?

If someone offers me criticism (or forces it on me!) and it is something that others have also told me – I pay a lot of attention to what they are saying – regardless of who said it or how it was said.

If it is a new critique, I pay a lot of attention to who is saying it. Are they credible? Are they trying to help me?

Useful Responses to Criticism

• Overlooking the delivery: Some criticism is valid or has elements in it that are valid. But the delivery is just awful. Poorly timed, antagonistic, hurtful, etc. In these cases, it is best to just overlook the delivery and try to hear the content. Eat the meat. Spit out the bones.
• Overlook the content: Sometimes I hear something right out of left field. A zinger that seems to have no context – the individual doesn’t seem to have credibility, I’ve never heard this before, or it seems intended to hurt. Overlook the content. Some people are just mean spirited. Why let their stuff become my stuff?
• Engage the Criticism: This is what I prefer to do much of the time. Particularly when it is something I’ve heard before or the person offering criticism has some credibility. Meaning that, at a minimum, I don’t have a reason to distrust what they are saying:
  • Reflect: I reflect back what I heard. It works best to do this as objectively as possible. It isn’t uncommon to misunderstand what someone is saying. Also, directly engaging like this, when done well, often deescalates the critique.
  • Assess: What is needed? What response has the most integrity? Is an apology deserved? Is there a misunderstanding or difference in opinion – will clarification help? Is there something I can fix or repair? Perhaps just thank the person for their feedback and reflect on how it can be utilized.
  • Acknowledge: I will often acknowledge the emotion, inconvenience or discomfort being expressed. This might be as simple as using a formula like: “I can hear that when X happened it has Y impact on you.”
  • Own What Is Appropriate: Acknowledging the above doesn’t necessarily mean that I take responsibility or apologize though. Only take responsibility if you have some responsibility (you don’t have to have all responsibility). Only apologize if your actions resulted in someone else’s harm or offense. (It doesn’t always matter what our intent was. I don’t have to intend to get into a traffic accident to make rear-ending someone the wrong thing to do.)
  • Incorporate What Is Appropriate: My public speaking has improved as a result of criticism. My ability to work with diverse audiences has as well. My ability to respond in the moment and shift content or approaches has often won back an audience that I was about to lose.

• Check in with honest mentors: These might be peers, might be coaches, could be a spouse. They can’t be “Yes Men or Women.” It needs to be someone who cares about you and will tell you the truth even if uncomfortable. Bounce what you’ve heard off them. Ask if they feel like there is a reason to consider it. Ask if there is something you might be missing.
• Don’t carry it: Deal with it or drop it – but move on.
• Listen to the Compliments and the Gratitude: Put those Thank-You cards up where you can see them. Take time to reread the positive testimonials.

I worked in Kosovo about 15 years ago. We rebuilt homes after the war, in about 15 communities. I thought it would be like being Santa Claus: “Ho, Ho, Ho – Here’s your new home!” Nope, people were hurt, angry, confused.

I was the face of our organization to those we served. I experienced intense and consistent criticism (and even threats) for what I did, for what the person previous to me did, for what my agency did and for what others totally unrelated to us did.

I had to learn to listen. I had to learn to grow. I had to learn to acknowledge my mistakes. I had to accept responsibility on behalf of my organization or on behalf of my predecessors. I also had to learn to let a lot of it roll off of me. Water off of a duck’s back. Easer to say than do. It was rough, rough, rough.

To stave off becoming totally hardened and cynical – I started making my last one or two visits of each day with someone who was happy with our work. It was self-serving. I needed it.

I needed to stay open to the critique and wade through it every day. But I also needed to stay open to and hear the positive feedback as well. I tried to punctuate my days with that.

It really helped.

I believe I became stronger because of the difficult words I had to learn how to hear. I believe it made me a more empathic leader. It helped me understand the deep importance that intent does not determine impact. We may have meant well – but it doesn’t mean we always did well.

Engaging it instead of denying it, minimizing or attacking back. It helped me grow. It helped me rebuild trust in many of those communities.

What is one of the most recent criticism’s you’ve received? How did you respond? What might you do differently?