Dear Readers,

Did you know that 95% of nonprofit boards are not serving their organization or mission as well as they could? Additionally, most don’t even know it.  If you currently serve on a nonprofit board or are thinking of serving on one, you don’t want to miss my new webinar, Best Practices for High-Performing Nonprofit Boards on October 21, 12:00 pm PST. More information following this article. 

“In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.” – Erasmus

It’s not you, it’s me.

Recently, someone asked me to do a significant professional favor. I agreed. Then they came back to me and said, “Could you do this additional favor as well?”

I was surprised that they asked for more, as the first request wasn’t a small one. I felt a little offended, wondering if they didn’t really respect my time and effort. I wasn’t immediately sure how to respond, so I asked them if they would consider a different option. I didn’t say it, but it was to make things a little easier for me.

They agreed, but then followed up with, “Could you also do this third favor?”

At this point, I started to feel angry. And a little resentful. Again, I wasn’t sure how to respond. So, I avoided it for a few days.

Then, it dawned on me:

It’s not them, it’s me.

My answer to the additional request should have been, “No.” No other explanation was needed or warranted.

But it felt uncomfortable to say, “No.” Their request triggered an emotional sequence in me. A sequence associated with old beliefs that whenever someone asks me to do something, I need to try to make it happen.

Because to not do it is to disappoint people. To risk rejection and the loss of a relationship.

They didn’t tell me any of those things. I’ve never experienced any of that from them. That was my stuff. It comes from my past. It doesn’t serve me well. It frequently complicates things.

I finally recognized what was going on and remembered that it is ok to say, “No.” Then I struggled with feeling like I needed to justify or explain my “No.” But I realized I didn’t need to.

So, I told them, “No, I’m sorry, I’m not available.” That’s it.

Here’s what is important: I was starting to feel resentful towards someone I care about. I felt it. I was ruminating on it. It was stinky.

But the issue wasn’t the fact that they had asked for several favors. The issue was that I am uncomfortable enforcing my boundaries.

It wasn’t them. It was me.

I know them well. They don’t disrespect me. I think the opposite is true.

I do think they were pushing my boundaries with their multiple requests.

But they were only asking. They weren’t demanding. When I said, “No,” it was accepted.

For leaders, it’s often us, not them.

Psychologists and counselors talk about projection, transference, and counter-transference. Those are very basic concepts in those fields.

They aren’t isolated to the psychologist’s couch. They occur in your workplace as well.

Frequently.

Let me define these terms:

Projection: When I assume other people feel or think the way I feel or think.

• “Wow, that presenter was boring/offensive/arrogant.  Everybody hated that.”
• “I had an awesome time at the team-building event where we did trust falls and high wire walks! I’ll bet the whole office will love it if we do that for our retreat!”

My opinions, experiences, and perspectives are often uniquely just that. Mine. Not shared. Because the way I experience something feels so “real,” I assume it must be the same reality for everyone else as well.

Transference/Counter-transference: When someone transfers an emotion from one experience or relationship onto another. Counter-transference means the same thing. It’s just when the psychologist does it back to the client.

• “You really remind me of Mary, who was my last boss.” Maybe that is a positive association. Maybe it is negative. Transference is when I hand this new individual emotion or expectation from another experience or relationship.
• “My dad always used to criticize my decisions in this area. Jim reminds me of my dad. I bet he’ll criticize me.”

Most of the time we aren’t aware we are thinking these thoughts. They are far more subconscious. Which makes them harder to recognize at first.

But they are there. They aren’t accurate. They are unfair.

I’ve had people transfer positive assumptions onto me – based on how I look or something about my personality. That seems nice at first. They start out liking me. Until they get angry when I fail to live up to an uncommunicated expectation associated with that assumption.

Other times, I’ve walked into a room and triggered a whole room of people. Just me, a man with a shaved head and a beard. I hadn’t had a chance to do anything yet or even introduce myself. But I walked right into a set of negative assumptions. Some people will refuse to let go of them.

The impact on leaders:

If we aren’t aware of these dynamics, we’ll find ourselves:

• Avoiding difficult conversations or overreacting when they occur
• Avoiding appropriate confrontation or, again, overreacting when we finally confront
• Putting off decisions
• Avoiding relationships
• Placing unfair and inappropriate expectations on others (negatively or positively)
• Confusing others because our reactions and decisions don’t seem to match their understanding of a relationship or situation
• Making poor decisions because of what we think others think

An example that frequently comes to mind for me on this topic is when executive leadership tells me, “We really want to make this change in our company – but we don’t think the staff will accept it.”

But when I talk to the staff, they say, “Why are the leaders taking so long to make this change that they keep talking about? It’s long overdue!”

In reality, the leaders are projecting their own uncertainty onto their employees.

It makes leadership less effective and it is super common.

You can’t stop it. So, how do you deal with it?

1. Acknowledge that these dynamics are real and it is unlikely that you are immune to them.
2. Cultivate self-awareness Some people call this mindfulness. A simple exercise I’ve given many executive coaching clients is to notice and write down the emotion they wake up with.

Many assume that they don’t really have any emotion when they wake up. But when they stop to pay attention to it, they realize that they always do. They always wake up feeling excitement, or dread, or anticipation, or guilt. My clients are surprised to find that there is always something.

Our first emotions often set up the rest of our day. Becoming aware of our first emotions allows us to stop reacting and to start choosing our behaviors.

Develop your own awareness of your emotions when you wake up, when you are in meetings, when you are faced with certain decisions. This allows you to avoid reacting and really make better decisions.

3. Get facts. Ask yourself, “What behaviors or other objective evidence have I seen that justifies this reaction?”

For example, with the friends asking me for favors. Yes, they were pushing boundaries. But I hadn’t communicated those boundaries.

So, was there any evidence that they actually disrespected me? No.

Was there any evidence that they would react negatively to me stating my boundaries? No.

So, what were my reactions based on? My own stuff. It’s not appropriate to allow myself to become resentful because of my stuff. I have developed a very high level of confidence in my intuition and gut feeling. But I’ve also learned that while my “gut” might be onto something – I need to ask more questions and get facts before coming to a conclusion.

My feelings just tell me, “There is something that needs to be explored here.”

4. Develop relationships with wise peers or a coach with whom you can debrief. In the mental health world, psychologists and counselors are encouraged to regularly meet with peers to discuss situations they are dealing with. They are also encouraged to receive counseling themselves to work on their own stuff.

I am a coach but I have a coach. I just traveled to New York and Texas to meet with peers in my field. Why? My work is largely unseen and unobserved. Obviously, my clients see what I do. But they don’t always understand what I do. And they don’t know my business.

I can’t be at my best in isolation. So, I find people. People who will help me grow.

Leadership, especially executive leadership or ownership, has many elements to it where you are alone. But isolation is a choice. And it is a poor one. Don’t make excuses for it. Find a circle of peers or hire a coach.

Find people, whom you are willing to trust, that you can bounce things off of.

5. Practice empathy. Healthy empathy is the ability to recognize and appreciate someone else’s emotional experience. It doesn’t mean that you feel it yourself or that you necessarily understand it.

But you are able to recognize where that person is actually at. This takes listening. It takes caring. It takes setting aside my assumptions. It takes asking questions. It takes allowing the conclusions that I jumped to, to be wrong. It is helping when I don’t need to be right or “all-seeing.”

6. Use your experiences with projection or transference to grow. It’s an opportunity to learn about yourself. It’s an opportunity to learn about others.

You can’t avoid these experiences. Might as well learn from them.

7. Become skilled at the “use of self.” I’m athletic, I weigh about 200lbs, I shave my head, I have a beard. I unavoidably project a certain image that means different things to different people.

When I start to learn how people tend to react to me – I can start to learn how to best use my “self” to serve them.

With some clients, it’s helpful to project strength and confidence. With others, it’s more helpful to find ways to soften my image by what I wear, use humor, or tell self-deprecating stories.

In the land of the blind…those who see themselves more accurately are better kings.

There is a lot of good research, especially in the fields of leadership and emotional intelligence, that demonstrate that the highest performing leaders, over time, are those who are most self-aware.

You may not be the best at everything. You probably aren’t. But if you can form an accurate awareness of reality, you will lead more effectively than most.

Just focusing on this ability, on its own, will dramatically improve your influence, decisiveness, credibility and workplace relationships.

Take good care,

Christian

Free Training Opportunity!

Have you ever wanted to serve on a nonprofit board? But maybe it seems intimidating or you aren’t sure what it would mean?

Or perhaps you do serve on a board but realize you aren’t really sure what your role is or how a board can even be “high-performing?”

I currently serve on two boards. I have served on many more in the past. I’ve consulted with and trained more boards than I can remember. In my experience, 95% of boards are not serving their organization or mission as well as they could. Most don’t know it.

On October 21^st, I’m offering a free webinar called Best Practices for High-Performing Nonprofit Boards. During this webinar you’ll learn:

• What a Nonprofit Board is and Why they Exist
• The 3 Core Duties of a Board
• The Roles and Responsibilities of Board Directors
• What High-performing Boards Do that Makes Them Different
• How to Run Highly Effective Board Meetings that Don’t Waste Time
• And Much More.

This training will be recorded and made available, for a limited time, to those who aren’t able to attend.

Later, it will be available for purchase. But right now, I want to make it available at no cost. Don’t miss this opportunity – register here.

If you serve on a board with someone or are hoping to recruit someone to your board, send them this link to make sure they sign up as well.

More Opportunities

Did someone send you this article? You can receive it, free, directly from me each week.  Click here to sign up. You can unsubscribe at any time. I won’t feel too hurt.

Free Resource: How To Accomplish More Without Doing More is a workbook I created to walk leaders through a process of helping you own your calendar, liberate your time and still get more done. Download it for free!

Executive and Leadership Coaching: Do you feel overwhelmed? Are you not getting the results you expect from the effort you are putting in? Do you find yourself facing similar challenges time and time again? Would you like to change specific ways of relating or reacting? If you would like to experience predictable, measurable growth, contact me.

Profitable Exit Strategy Workshop: Are you a business owner or partner? Are you over 55? Are you starting to think about exiting your business or active management in the next 3-5 years?

• Are you curious about what your business might be worth?
• Would you like to discover the specific steps you need to take to increase its value and become highly attractive to a buyer?
• Are you planning on handing it over to family or employees and you want to ensure long-term success?

If so, contact me now.