Nearly every day I talk to someone who isn’t accomplishing what they hoped for in their life. Not even close. Career, family, success (however defined), wealth, whatever. For most people, it seems to come down to something related to financial security, meaningful relationships and, perhaps, a life of meaning or impact.

I haven’t accomplished what I hoped for in any of these areas either. At this point in my life I thought, for sure, I would have found my superman suit and would be effortlessly and heroically saving the world somewhere. I thought that if I found the mythical “right one” I wouldn’t have to work at my marriage. I still get worried about finances.

Most people learn to settle. I haven’t really learned that yet. I might be ready to give up on a superman suit – but I’m not ready to give up on a life of impact. Ok, the flawless “right one” isn’t out there. Or I missed her. But I found a pretty fantastic “wonderful one” who is willing to learn this messy business of marriage and parenting with me. I haven’t won the lottery. No rich uncle has left me his fortune. But I decided I could learn business.

It’s all in my head. And yours. Nearly everything that is holding any of us back is not “out there.” It isn’t someone else’s fault. It’s in our own heads. You can argue with me all you like. I’ll set aside my education in sociology and pretend like I don’t understand social stratification and institutional injustice and historical trauma and so on. But for every person being held back by someone else (Ok, yes, it happens.) There are 10 people. Maybe 100 people. Perhaps 1000 people who are held back by themselves.

I’m sharing this, here, because this is the stuff of executive coaching conversations. I thought I’d be spending my time discussing strategy and ROI and so forth. But, most of the time we’re working through the stuff below. Here is what has held me back. Whenever I’m able to cut free from one of these anchors – my life, my relationships, my impact surges forward. The same thing is true for the people I work with:

1. Fear: I’m afraid of a lot of things. I’m mostly afraid of what people will think of me. I’m afraid that I’ll run out of money. I’m afraid that relationship won’t work out. That I can’t trust someone. And so on. I have reasons for these fears. I could help underwrite a counselor’s career. But they don’t do me any favors.

Learning to recognize a fear and make the right choices to move forward regardless has done more to help me grow my relationships, my businesses, and my non-profits than anything else. I was so scared when I proposed to my wife all I could think about was the first time I landed, off-course, in Sudan in front of a rebel garrison. The mismatched uniforms, mirrored aviator glasses and AK-47’s matched everything I had seen in the movies. I just put my game face on and jumped out of the plane and acted like I intended to be there. I did the same thing as I fumbled for the ring and asked, “Will you marry me?”

2. Resentment: This is an ugly one. I saw someone’s picture today. A professional photo. A little flash of, “I don’t like you” popped up in me. Resentment. I resent her success. It feels, to me, like it came too easily for her. This is a heavy anchor. It gets me absolutely nowhere. It’s toxic too. Poisonous. I have to keep going back to that and letting it go whenever it pops up.

I can be resentful towards all kinds of people. People who’ve done me wrong in the past. Even worse, “types” of people. You know, “those people.” Whomever they are. “Those people” always do this, that or the other.

I was shocked to read, once, that resentment is considered to be the core emotion of compulsive or addictive behaviors. Since we don’t use the word resentment all that often, I didn’t think of it as a particularly important issue. But there it was in me. And that explained a lot.

3. Unforgiveness: Closely related to resentment. I have a high-school teacher whom I haven’t seen in maybe 25 years. He was young, arrogant, insecure and immature. I can see that now. At the time though, I couldn’t stand him. I’ve wasted an awful lot of emotional and mental juice on someone whose name I can’t even remember how to spell (in case I wanted to stalk him on Facebook).

You are probably right. That person may not deserve to be forgiven. But unforgiveness is the gift that keeps on taking. It sucks us dry. Not only do we not release the other – we hold ourselves back.

4. Perfectionism: People relate to this differently. I just like things that are done right. I appreciate that. But it holds me back. It prevents me from getting a lot done. Because I’m trying to avoid some level of failure, criticism or “less-than” that I can’t accept. Perfectionism has been one of the worst things for me. Others relate to it differently. Maybe it isn’t perfectionism for them (but I’m not trying to write the DSM-6) but they aim low, consistently, so they can never be accused of not measuring up. They weren’t trying to begin with.

This is a lousy way to live. I’m trying to learn to accept B’s. 80% (no one ever asks for my grades anyway). I’m trying to accept that from others. Trying to understand what “good enough” looks like. It’s pretty freeing. I like it. I get a lot more done. My family seems to appreciate it as well.

5. Low Self-Image: I used to make fun, a lot of fun, about self-esteem and self-worth and so on. I didn’t agree with it on a world-view level. Just do what is right I thought. Talking about ‘self’ is just ‘self-centered.’ Who cares what you think about yourself (this is the fearful, resentful, unforgiving, perfectionist talking…).

Turns out, there is an important difference between accepting myself, in my journey, where I’m at right now and just thinking I’m awesome for no particular reason (which I do, periodically, and lots of friends’ volunteer to help adjust my perspective).

What I mean is a healthy sense of proportion about life and where I fit in it. An acceptance of where I’m at that isn’t acquiescence to what I’m not. Interestingly enough, the healthier my self-image has become, the less time I spend worrying about me and the freer I feel to pay attention to others. Didn’t expect that.

6. Lack of Trust: Some of us have been hurt. Ok, all of us have been hurt. Betrayed. Disappointed. Whatever. It is amazing how much time, energy and resources are soaked up by distrust. I mean, think about it, make a list of every industry that is based off of distrust. That should open your eyes. People feed this and feed off of it. Protect yourself all you want – distrust will hold you back.

When I work with leaders who can’t grow their organization to the next level – distrust is nearly always a factor. The executive who can’t grow her organization because she won’t delegate because no-one else will do it right. The founder who won’t hand over the reins (even after he’s run out of steam and passion and direction and isn’t leading well anymore) because he doesn’t trust the competency of those following. The team that is fighting about whatever – none of them trust each other. The family relationship that is never really able to flourish because “you never know…”

Sure, there are reasons to not always trust. In most cases, though, it’ll cost you more to try to protect yourself than it will to offer trust.

These are the big anchors I’ve found that have held me back. I might have missed one or two. Every time I cut a line between myself and that anchor, something leaps forward. Something is set free. I’ve decided that some of the most important business and family decisions I can make have to do with cutting these anchors out of my life. That seems to produce the greatest ROI I’ve ever experienced.

What anchor do you need to cut yourself free from?