This week I met, separately, with five business leaders. Some were in management. Some were owners. All the conversations were very vulnerable. They were also very similar.

The conversations started with a challenge at work. The typical stuff: Finding good employees, wrestling with a decision, trying to get delegation to work.

But, inevitably, the conversations moved towards two topics:

“I’m not sure how to relate in this situation.”

“I feel afraid/unsure/threatened.”

Leadership is relational. Leadership is personal.

Leadership doesn’t exist without two things:

• Who the leader is as a person
• People who are led

Because of this, two maxims are true:

1. Leadership development is personal development.
2. Leadership is a relationship.

Personal development. Relationship development. The two necessary and unavoidable paths for leadership development.

Do you feel stuck as a leader? Does it seem like your time and energy is spent playing whack-a-mole with the same issues? Does it feel like there is a mismatch between the effort and investment expended and the results returned?

The answer is nearly always already in your hands. In fact, the answer is probably you.

Leadership development is personal development.

Leaders have power. Even the nicest, most humble, gentle and non-bossy leaders have power. It’s intrinsic.

Power is a magnifier. It usually doesn’t create new dynamics (although it can.) But most often it magnifies existing dynamics.

Power magnifies who a leader really is.

I’d venture to say that most leaders struggle at times with the question, “Am I good enough?” This is so common that in the world of coaches and consultants we call it, “The Imposter Syndrome.” This is the tendency of leaders to feel like, “If anyone found out that I don’t really know what to do…”

These leaders will rarely act as if they are struggling with this question. Instead, they might:

• Micro-manage everything
• Surround themselves with “Yes” men & women
• Avoid dealing with behavior and performance issues
• Self-limit (or even sabotage) their own success
• Try to earn friendship instead of respect
• Be unable to handle criticism (or even differing ideas)

Most of these leaders who do the above aren’t aware of it. Leaders will rarely recognize themselves as someone who, “Won’t accept criticism or pushback. Instead, their response is more along the understandable lines of, “I will not let you undermine/disrespect/take advantage of me.” Because for some reason, when an employee expressed concerns about a plan of action, the leader didn’t hear concerns – but heard resistance.

And this is the stuff that makes leadership hard.

Great leadership is not about whether or not you know how to talk to millennials, or finding good employees, learning to dominate your market or figuring out the steps for growing your company. Those are just things to learn or problems to solve.

The hard work, the real work, the most meaningful work a leader will ever do, is work on themselves. Because you, dear leader, are the only tool of leadership you’ve got.

Any effort you put into becoming a healthier, stronger, more whole human being is a direct investment in your ability to lead effectively.

Leadership is a relationship.

Leadership only exists within the context of relationships. The most influential leaders, who have the greatest long-term positive impact, are the leaders who relate well to others. There is a growing body of research in this area. You might be familiar with terms such as “Emotional Intelligence” or “Resonant Leadership” or “Servant Leadership.”

The research in those fields shows, clearly, that being skilled at relating well translates directly into the success of your organization. The converse is also true: Poor relationship skills and dynamics are directly related to the highest controllable costs of doing business: Unhealthy conflicts, staff turnover, absenteeism, factions, partnership splits.

It isn’t coincidental that one of the five leading reasons that business owners prematurely leave or shut down their businesses is divorce. As it turns out, the health of a marriage has an impact on the health of a business.

Any effort you put into building healthier, more honest, more respectful relationships is a direct investment in your ability to lead effectively.

Ambition is revealing.

Most leaders I know are ambitious. It’s one of the things I love about my job. I get to work with highly motivated, creative, driven people every day. But most of them are also driven by something internal. It often comes up in my conversations with them. It sounds like:

• “I’ll prove to them I can do this.”
• “I won’t let anyone take advantage of me.”
• “I’m in this alone. I can’t rely on anyone else.”

I’m sure the counselors and psychologists reading this will support my observation: No amount of success seems to truly satisfy the needs behind those statements. When a leader’s ambition is fueled by fear or a sense of inadequacy, it will run people over or leave them behind.

However, when a leader’s ambition is fueled by a desire to benefit the good of the group and the success of the whole, it grows people and brings them with.

However, many leaders struggle with mixed ambitions. They want to see their employees prosper. But they are also afraid of failure.

What do you do?

Most of my articles have a “how-to” element to them.

In this one, I want to accomplish two things:

• Help leaders recognize that they are driven by something
• Give leaders permission to work on themselves

Obviously, you don’t need my permission. But I find many leaders take the perspective of, “I just need to grind, push hard, do more.” They even tie their sense of self-worth to that perspective. Culturally, we respect people who grind, push, do.

Even though, they don’t necessarily produce more. They aren’t necessarily happier. They are rarely operating at their optimal state or highest capacity.

The key to those things – is the personal work. The relational work.

As we are wrapping up 2019 and looking at 2020, I strongly encourage you to include personal development goals and relational growth goals among your highest priority goals.

Pursue them. Make progress towards them. You’ll see some of your highest returns, as a leader, from the work you do there.

Take good care,

Christian

Yes, I’m ready to make 2020 my best year ever!

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