Conflict. It’s an unavoidable part of life and business.

Like a mosquito in the night, there are moments of peace. But conflict always comes back.

Some people try to ignore it, hoping to avoid attention. Others are on the warpath, intent on a preemptive seek and destroy. Others strategize, waiting for engagement. Then… whap!

Whether at home or in business, conflict is unavoidable. And like mosquitos, we struggle to see any value in it.

What is conflict?

Conflict is any time two (or more) people disagree over something that is important to them.

While they both agree that there is a conflict, they often don’t see what it is that is important to both sides.

But usually, everyone is concerned that they are about to lose something that is important to them or not be able to attain it at all.

This might be as simple as a sense of satisfaction or peace in their day. It might be a sense of personal safety or anything else that causes them to feel secure. It’s often about someone’s sense of significance, value or identity.

Unlike a mosquito, conflict can be a valuable opportunity. This perspective allows us to shift our response and profit from the experience. Even if initially unwanted.

If conflict is normal, why is everyone so bad at it?

We grow up with conflict. From childhood, most people have consistently negative experiences with conflict.

This teaches us that conflict means a relationship, opportunity or good experience is about to be lost.

Having learned this, conflict tends to trigger a fear, anger or anxiety response. It is not pleasant.

Those emotional states don’t tend to help us be our best selves.

Just like we don’t like conflict, the person we have issues with doesn’t either. They may also be struggling with their reactions and with not being their best self.

The Conflict Cycle: Why conflict is so weird

1. Something Happens: Whatever it was, something happens that lets you know, “Uh, oh, there’s a problem.”
2. We React & Interpret: We have an emotional reaction to whatever it was and interpret the intent of the other person. Often we assume malicious intent.
3. We Judge: Because something happened, and we assume the other person is malicious, we judge them. We determine that they are arrogant, rude, untrustworthy, backstabbing, etc.
4. We Create A Good Story: Nature and curiosity both abhor a vacuum. Since we usually don’t know what happened—we create an explanation that makes sense to us. Particularly one that fits with our conclusion that the other person acted with malicious intent.
5. We Find Supporting Evidence: This is confirmation bias in action. We comb through history and watch current events to identify anything that will confirm the conclusion that we came to (while ignoring anything that doesn’t support that conclusion).
6. We Predict The Future: We start to assume that we know what will happen next. Perhaps we begin to imagine how a conversation will go. Or we imagine we know what someone else will choose or do. Either way—we expect that they’ll act poorly again.
7. Something Happens (Again): We wait until something happens that confirms what we knew all along.

We get locked in a cycle. So do they.

That’s why it gets weird. Because, often, we are reacting to what we believe happened and will happen—not what actually happened. And so are they.

How to use conflict for rapid growth

Personal growth: When conflict occurs, I tend to react. That reaction serves a purpose similar to a dashboard light in my car. It may not tell me precisely what is wrong—but it will indicate that I need to pay attention to something.

If I choose, I can allow conflict to teach me about myself.

• I’ll learn what is important to me. What I want and what I value.
• I’ll encounter areas I need to work on that are blocking my overall growth.
• I may discover areas of passion and priority for me.

If in my next conflict, I’m willing to ask myself two questions:

1. “What makes this important to me? What am I afraid that I’ll lose or not gain because of this?”
2. What are my highest values for how I believe others should relate in this situation? Is there anything I can do to better live up to those values?

Once I get clarity on what is important and realign myself to my values,  I can begin to choose how to act –instead of just reacting.

That process alone will trigger dramatic personal growth and self-awareness.

Relationships: Conflict offers two opportunities for relationships. The first opportunity is the mutual understanding that can occur if both people are willing to pursue the personal growth described above.

But even if only one person is willing to pursue this, they will often discover they’ve become more insightful and empathic. This tends to allow them to respond more effectively.

The second opportunity is to build trust. Interestingly, trust is best built when it is threatened.

There is a lot to trust. But the most important concept is trusting character and commitment to the relationship.

Whether a business relationship, a friendship or family member—it’s only in the context of conflict where I begin to truly see someone else’s heart and intent.

When two people commit to working through a difficult experience and understanding each other—it forges strength in the relationship that can’t be built in any other way.

When conflict occurs again, and it will, the previous experience of having worked through things mitigates the sense of threat. Now that we know the other person is committed to us, it makes it easier this time around.

Business Structure and Processes: Conflict is a powerful tool in businesses (or any organization). I’ve found that if conflict occurs on a regular basis, it is nearly always due to an issue of structure or systems.

This might be poor communication, delegation, accountability, management controls or even actual physical layout of space. Whatever it is, it is conflict that often brings issues to light.

Once it is in the light, it can be addressed, resolved or improved. This has the resulting benefit of strengthening and streamlining teams and how they work together.

Culture: Chronic or organizationally pervasive conflict tends to give insight into something about the culture of the organization which needs attention.

Organizational culture is a complex topic. But at its essence, it is seen in the deepest values and accepted behaviors of the organization.

It may be that there is a culture of conflict avoidance. Or a lack of accountability. Or rigidity. Or perfectionism. Whatever it is, if the experience of conflict is perceived as an opportunity to identify areas for growth, it can have a profound and lasting impact on your business.

Mine Conflict For All Its Worth

Conflict is a valuable opportunity. It’s also not a lot of fun. Why go through the discomfort without getting all of the value?

Mine it for all it’s worth. Let conflict change you, your relationships, and how your business (or family) operates for the best.