I have a temptation. It sneaks up on me without my noticing it. Actually, sometimes I do notice it. But it feels so good. So, you know…what can I do?

I blame.

Something isn’t going quite right at work. So, I blame someone. Maybe not out loud. But inside, I’m pretty sure they should have done something differently. They are responsible.

Not me.

The kids are going nuts at home. The house is a mess. I’m trying to relax. I’m pretty sure my wife is dropping the wife ball. She is responsible.

Not me.

Victimhood

Being a victim is one of the most powerful mindsets available. It is a nearly unassailable stance to take. If you challenge me—it just proves my point.  It lets me be universally “right” (I love being right). Even if I’m wrong—it is someone else’s fault.

Victimhood. It’s great. I love it.

“Don’t pity the martyrs; they love the work.”

 – Alan Weiss

Victimhood: The Mindset for Toxic Leadership

Victimhood is something that we’re usually taught growing up. I learned to habitually believe that negative things are happening to me (or will soon). I believe that other people have negative intentions toward me. It doesn’t matter what they actually say or do (I know what they are really thinking).

Don’t you judge me.

Victimhood is great. It allows me to:

• Always be morally right. (Even if I’m factually wrong.)
• Justify any behavior. (You just need to understand…)
• Extract your sympathy. (Because ultimately I’m the one that was hurt here.)
• Avoid accountability. (I can’t be held responsible for…..!)

Here’s the deal: Victimhood won’t prevent you from becoming a leader. Many leaders actually are up to their eyebrows in victimhood.  It’s one of the most powerful, go-to tools used by leaders.

Victimhood simultaneously absolves a leader of responsibility while it energizes the urgency of their cause.

This is why so many “cause” groups (political, social, religious, advocacy or what-have-you) can never be satisfied. They can never win. They don’t want to win. Success for anyone fighting victim-based moral battles is to always have an enemy. To not have an enemy, a “them” to blame, means that I might have to be responsible for my own stuff.

It doesn’t matter if they are on the left or right. The fuel that stokes their fires is “victimhood.” They will always find another way, another demonstration of how “I” or “We” have been wronged.

Victimhood consumes the energy, efforts, and actions of others. It never creates or builds. It consumes.

It is always at risk of becoming cannibalistic.

If a leader inflicted with victimhood runs out of people “out there” to blame. You can rest assured they will point their fingers at you.

Am I A Victim of Victimhood?

The following questions reveal all:

• When facing a tough situation do I tend to delay decision making or defer it to someone else?
• When I make or contribute to a mistake, do I tend to try to overlook, minimize or otherwise avoid taking responsibility?
• Do I tend to feel that events are outside of my control – “others” are creating situations that I can only react to?
• If someone brings a complaint or a critique to me, do I tend to feel a need to explain or defend myself?
• When confronted with a challenge do I tend to view it as a reason not to act?
• Do I find myself frequently imagining that others don’t like me or are judging me
• Do I interpret setbacks as examples of how others, the system or someone else is against me?

The more of these you answered “Yes” to – the greater the likelihood that you are a victim of victimhood.

Time to stop being a victim.

10 Ways to Stop Being a Victim

1. Stop Mind Reading: At first you stop by noticing you just made up a whole scenario about what someone else is thinking and how they’ll respond. Then you’ll stop by noticing you are in the middle of doing that. Then you’ll stop by noticing you’re starting to jump to conclusions. Then you’ll stop by noticing that you’d like to. Then you’ll stop and you’ll just ask what them they are thinking.
2. Delay Your Response: When receiving feedback, delay your response. Make sure you understand what was communicated. Then say, “Thank you for the feedback. I’d like to think about this for a day. Then I’ll get back to you.”
3. Apologies: Making a real, meaningful, unmitigated and honest apology is one of the most powerful acts that a healthy person does. It communicates a complete sense of ownership. It acknowledges the power you had to offend or hurt or disappoint someone else (even if unintended.) Find something you need to apologize for and go make it right. Own your stuff.
4. Stop Winding Yourself Up: Some people intentionally fill their mind and ears and eyes with irritants. They listen or watch news stories or talk shows that fill them with a righteous sense of injustice. They watch documentaries or read books that push all their victim buttons about how “they” are doing this to “you.” They hang out with other victims and share juicy stories of unfairness. Stop it.
5. Forgive: Let it go. Start with little things. Find things to let go. Someone cuts you off in traffic, someone says something offensive, someone shows up late…Let it go. Don’t entertain the memory or emotion. Don’t tell the story. Don’t replay it. Just let it go.
6. Communicate Appreciation: Make a daily practice of telling at least one person, one specific thing you appreciate about them. Learn to be a “good finder.”
7. Practice Gratitude: Making a daily practice of being grateful confronts a victim mentality. It says, “There is good out there. Good was done to me. I will express gratitude.” If you run into a specific situation where you feel attacked, double down and find ten things you can be grateful for in the situation or about that person.
8. Focus On What You Can Control: You can control some things. You can’t control other things. What percentage of your time and energy is focused on what you can control? Work to get that to 80%. Leave 20% of your time and control for things that interest you but are outside of your control.
9. Listening to Your Words: How often do you say, “I should have… I could have… I would have…” How often do you minimize your own responsibility? “I’m sorry you were bothered by what I said.” How do we say we need something we actually just want? Start using words of ownership.
10. Progress Not Perfection: Work to improve. Not to get it right, all the time, out of the gate. Every day, try to own a little more of your attitude. Own more of your emotions. Own more of your choices. If you blow it, you blew it. Acknowledge it. Apologize if you need to. Move on.

In what ways or in what areas do you tend to think or act like a victim? How does that impact your leadership? What is one thing you can do to stop being a victim?

This is my fourth article on the critical mindsets for success in leadership. If you’d like to get caught up, please go to:

7 Ways to Develop a Perspective of Abundance

3 Powerful Practices for an Abundant Life 

5 Ways to Kick Perfectionism in the Teeth and Start Making Progress