I have three children. The oldest, Elijah, is seven. He is an unnaturally thoughtful and responsible boy.

Elijah is an amazing big brother to his siblings. He loves to teach them. He often (not always!) shares with them. He looks out for them. He creates games for them to play.

He is learning the basics of great leadership.

Yes, I’m a biased father. But I’m an oldest sibling as well. I have often watched him and wondered, “Where did he get that from? I was never that good of a brother.”

I suppose his mother’s influence might be involved.

However, I’ve noticed something recently. When he’s playing “make-believe” games, he often pretends to be a leader or has power. Then he gets weird.

The entire game becomes about dominating or even “destroying” others.

It was a shock the first time I heard my kids running around yelling, “I will destroy you!”

I tried to redirect him with a conversation about what real leadership was. He looked at me fish-eyed.

I discovered it’s easier to talk about being a “good big brother.” He gets it. Until he forgets it.

Now, as a parent who will never be asked to teach parenting classes, I just ask them to destroy each other outside. Not in the house, please.

But I’ve also noticed something: Those games often end in tears.

He is also leading in these games. But not well.

Leadership is a relationship

Leadership is a relationship. On a sociological level, that’s what it is. Leadership and followership are ways that people relate to each other. Roles that people fill.

Because this is true at the elemental level, anyone’s ability to be an effective leader is directly determined by the quality of their relationships.

Yes, it’s entirely possible for someone to have a position of power and be called a leader and have lousy relationships. They might even have enough business or political smarts to generate something people recognize as a success.

But the ceilings of success that they create for themselves (and every single leader creates their own ceiling of success) are nearly always determined by the quality of their relationships.

And poor relationships often end in tears. Or some business equivalent thereof.

Unhappy, wealthy, power brokers

It’s interesting how often I work with influential leaders who are recognized successes and are hating life.

Why? Because they have lousy relationships with everyone around them. Because working with their team or their partners or their spouse is an exercise in friction, avoidance or conflict.

Those closest to you are your barometer

There is a maxim that the further away someone needs to travel to get to you, the more they tend to be respected.

In other words, it is easy to look good from a distance.

Early in my career, I learned to pay attention to the people closest to a leader. The words they used. Their body language. Whether or not they showed up early to/stayed late at meetings. Where they sat. Whether or not there was laughter. How well they understood their priorities and the priorities of others.

I learned that I could learn an enormous amount just by watching these indicators of relationship.

So, I look at the people in closest proximity to the leader. These are the people who know and experience the leader in good times and bad. Under stress or in the flow.

• This often includes family. (I’ve found that talking to the spouse or partner is enlightening.)
• This always includes the immediate leadership team or direct reports.
• Executive/administrative assistants often have rich insights.

The four ingredients of a healthy leadership relationship

There are many ways to bake a cake. But nearly all cakes share the same core ingredients.

There are many ways that healthy leadership can look. But in all healthy and effective leaders cultivate these four things:

• Credibility: Everyone knows that they will do what they say they will do. This is true for setting and following policies, pursuing goals or simple relational promises like, “Let’s have lunch!”

In general, people know what to expect from a credible leader. Specifically, they have complete confidence in the leader’s word. They have a positive sense of the leader’s values and character and believe the leader will act consistently to both.

• Respect: People respect the leader’s ability to get things done and make things happen. Whether this is a technical skill or people skills. But they hold the leader in higher esteem.

It’s better to be respected than to be liked. (It’s best to have both.) Respect can’t be demanded. It can easily be lost. Like credibility, it is built out of consistent results over time.

• Care: People want to know that you care about them. They want confidence that the leader has their interests in mind. To be blunt, people will put up with an enormous level of mistakes and incompetency if they believe the leader genuinely cares about them.

Some followers will make excuses for a leader who has lost credibility or respect with others if they feel that the leader cares about them or their interests. But if they feel the leader no longer cares, the relationship is over. They will leave or isolate themselves.

• Clear Communication: There are some highly credible, well respected and caring leaders – who shoot themselves in the foot with poor communication. Aspects of clear communication include:
  • Communicating expectations.
  • Frequent and timely communication.
  • Not leaving space for rumors or gossip.
  • Addressing issues in a timely and thorough way.
  • Appropriate methods of communication.
  • There is room for questions, dialogue, and disagreement.

If you have leadership struggles – check how you relate

Too busy and overwhelmed? It may be that you aren’t thinking strategically or prioritizing well. But, often, it is also an indicator of a lack of trust.

Struggling with imposters syndrome? The most commonly reported struggle for leaders is the fear that others will find out they don’t know everything/can’t do everything. This isn’t a surprise to anyone. It is an indicator that you haven’t built mutually open and appropriately transparent relationships with peers (who know the feeling) and those you work with (who already know and are relieved that you are neither omniscient nor omnipotent.)

Is your team not hitting goals or timelines? This is often an indicator that you are uncomfortable with accountability and appropriate confrontation. These kinds of conversations feel like conflict to some people and are avoided.

Struggling with employee morale or engagement? This may be an indicator that you need to spend more time with your people and learn what is important to them. People are engaged when their interests are being met.

There are other struggles, but you see the point. Tools and strategies help. But all require the context of relationship.

Invest in the relationships around you. Identify your relational tendencies, strengths, and struggles. Be honest and grow. That’s a big part of leadership development.

Take good care,

Christian

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