Three Ways We Limit Ourselves and What We Can Do About It

Have you ever worked for a leader who showed great promise but didn’t live up to their potential? Perhaps the leader communicated an inspiring vision, but never quite got around to making that vision real. Perhaps, you saw tremendous possibilities for a team; or, maybe you noticed an opportunity that was easily within reach. But, some kind of institutional malaise seemed to smother the leader’s demonstration of initiative.

Why do leaders do this?

More importantly: Why do we do this to ourselves?

I’ve worked with thousands of leaders in many countries. And I’ve observed a consistent truth.

Leaders are more limited by themselves than anything else.

We may blame our teams, the economy, “kids these days”, but usually we are the ones holding ourselves back. Actually, it’s not even just that we hold ourselves back. We will even sabotage our own success. Don’t believe me? Read on. Here are three ways that you and I do this.

Three primary self-sabotaging behaviors of leaders:

BEHAVIOR ONE: Relating Poorly to Conflict

On average, based on my personal experience mediating disputes and national research, at least 85% of all disputes can be resolved collaboratively and productively. This year, our organization is tracking a resolution rate above 95%. We find that most people don’t want to fight or run away. They just don’t know how to talk.

Many leaders react poorly to conflict. We deny it. We avoid it. Maybe we start attacking others. Perhaps, we pursue revenge (usually in the name of “justice”). These approaches not only sabotage the dispute; but also, miss one of the most powerful opportunities to grow and learn.

We learn to relate to conflict over a lifetime of (usually) bad experiences. We don’t believe successful resolution is possible. As leaders, this means we do not lead towards resolution. This is primarily for two reasons:

Fear of losing control of a situation sometimes causes us to feel like our best option is to either run away or blow up. Either option preserves our sense of control. It also prevents us from successfully entering into, and working through, difficult conversations.

Pride comes into play because we don’t like the idea of being “wrong”. So, we have a vested interest in the other person being as “wrong” as possible; along with an interest in ourselves being as “right” as possible. Since resolution may challenge our sense of the other person’s total “wrongness” and our “rightness”, we resist solutions that could produce change. This undermines any chance for success.

Solution: Stop doing the same things hoping for different results.

Get Help: Find a qualified individual who’s able to either objectively coach you through your responses to conflict, or help mediate the dispute. It’s been my experience that most people are able to begin radically changing their responses to conflict relatively quickly. After a few successes in handling conflict more effectively, many people gain confidence that a conciliatory approach will almost always yield success. This builds their hope for lasting, improved results.

BEHAVIOR TWO: Relating Poorly to Mistakes

Many, many leaders limit their potential for success by displaying a low tolerance for mistakes or imperfections. This is one of the most common limiters of leadership potential. It prevents leaders from delegating well, building new leaders and letting go of control. Like conflict, relating poorly to mistakes often originates from lessons learned in childhood; where mistakes were likely viewed as wrong, intolerable, unrecoverable, sinful, etc. Mistakes weren’t viewed as learning experiences; instead, they were viewed as indictments of self-worth.

Solution: Practice valuing success, rather than perfection.

For many leaders, this requires cultivating a healthy self-image. If our personal sense of worth and value is directly tied to being flawless and perfect we will, unavoidably, be defensive and scared of mistakes, particularly public ones. This drives us to be unable to recognize success; and, instead, we constantly focus on what we believe is not good enough.

Many leaders find tremendous value in working with coaches or therapists who are able to help them shift their perspective to accept mistakes as part of the learning process.

Additionally, surrounding ourselves with successful peers who are comfortable with mistakes is also very helpful. Many perfection-oriented leaders tend to isolate or surround themselves with “Yes-People”. Being with actual peers who aren’t afraid to openly wrestle with, and engage, their weaknesses, mistakes, and lessons-learned is absolutely crucial to healthy leadership.

BEHAVIOR THREE: Self-Limiting Beliefs Regarding Accomplishment

Most people have a limit in mind regarding the level of success they deserve. This limit may be in terms of salary, size or nature of team accomplishment, or organization size. Either way, we tend to lead towards that internalized limit. We will actually “self-correct” if we begin to fall short of, or exceed, the line of success we have fixed in our heads.

Sometimes we like to frame this as “humility”. This is nonsense. There is nothing humble about a leader who won’t allow his or her people to grow to their greatest potential. There is nothing humble about bringing less value to a community as opposed to more. Don’t support ridiculous thinking like this. Call it for what it is: Nonsense.

Solution: Honestly assess, and then challenge, your predefined limits of success.

Identify where you’ve placed your “success line”. Intentionally choose to push it a little further than where it is now. Learn to celebrate successes. Learn to quickly grieve and then let go of failures or disappointments. Additionally, spending regular time with people who are a little ahead of where you are can help you expand your perspective of what’s possible.

When we lead, those around us are directly impacted by our ability to handle conflict well, tolerate mistakes and risks, and dream big. Therefore, we have an obligation to ensure that we aren’t setting false limits on what can be resolved, learned or accomplished. This is as true for our own personal growth as it is for the growth of those we serve through leadership.

In what ways have sabotaged your leadership?

What can you do this week to turn that around?