Years ago, I got into an argument with someone I deeply respect and view as a mentor. Both of us were slowly ratcheting up. I didn’t like arguing with him; but I also wanted to hold my ground. So, I strapped myself onto my “emotional rocket” and was ready to go. Just as I was beginning launch, and commit whole-heartedly to the dispute, he suddenly stopped.

He looked at me and said, “I don’t know why I’m responding the way I am right now. It’s out of proportion to what we’re talking about. I need to reflect on what is going on in me and get back with you on the topic. Excuse me.”

I was stunned. I thought everyone (where conflict wasn’t avoided) jumped on their “emotional rockets” and just took off. I had never seen anyone stop, mid-launch, and say, “Nope, that’s not the right direction.”

I can’t remember what we were arguing about. However, I remember being deeply impressed by his self-control, his humility to admit that he didn’t understand what was going on, his decision to take time to find out, as well as his commitment to return to me and not just run from the conversation.

I immediately wished I was someone who could do that.

Conflict is common. We all relate to it differently. We all relate to it personally. If we’re willing, we can experience significant personal growth by developing the habit of reflection in the midst of experiencing conflict.

When I work with conflict in teams or organizations, I use four different lenses to understand what might be going on. In this article, I’d like to focus on the first lens: The Personal Lens.

First, let me define conflict. In simple and sufficient terms, conflict exists any time there is a disagreement regarding something that is important to two or more people. It doesn’t have to be an audible or visible disagreement. It doesn’t even have to accompany anger. It can simply mean two people see or experience things in a different way; and, it matters enough to at least one of them that there is some impact on the relationship.

Conflict is often a deeply emotional experience. Even for those of us who pride ourselves on being “logical.” Many people I work with report experiencing strong emotions, physical sensations or even illness during a conflict. Some people go numb or shut down, which is simply a way of relating to strong emotion.

We all learn to relate to conflict in different ways. For most of us, it’s an accumulation of thousands of life experiences and messages usually starting in our early childhood, following us through school and into our career. Most of us have learned through observation or experience that:

• Conflict is Bad (sinful, wrong, a failure, a disappointment)
• Conflict is The End (of a relationship, a nice evening, an opportunity, etc.)
• Conflict must be Avoided (because it is bad) or Won (because if it’s the end, I need to get what I can or lose as little as possible)

As a rule, people who feel powerful will try to “win” conflicts. People who don’t, will try to avoid conflicts. Very few of us are willing, or able, to actually step away from the emotion and then return to the conversation; pursuing instead, mutual discovery of the heart of the issue. The leaders who learn to do this are able to effectively help their teams and people experience lasting success.

Conflicts in the workplace are often about:

• Disagreements or mismatches in shared information
• Ineffective organizational structure
• Differences in principles or values

However, it can quickly shift to being about: fear of loss, a sense of lost significance, lack of security or lack of satisfaction.

This happens quickly:

• You present an idea to a client – and they shoot it down. You interpret this as a lack of respect (You want to feel significant.)
• You ask an employee to interact with a customer. You hear a negative report about the experience. You interpret this as a threat (You want to feel secure.)
• You’re trying to focus on a long-delayed project; but someone needs your attention regarding something you think they should be able to handle themselves (You want to feel satisfied.)

None of these desires are wrong. What’s key is how you respond when those desires are threatened.

1. Think of your most recently experienced conflict: What emotions came up for you?
2. Growing up: What did conflict look like in your family? What were the lessons you learned about disagreements, differences in understanding or priorities or getting your way?
3. How might those lessons impact your perceptions of conflict in the workplace?